Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

[Ganj]

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit. I said, "You fuckers don't farm! C'mon, what about some celery? I like carrots. Plus if I tore your legs off, you would look like tiny snowmen."

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry." So it died.

Koala bears. They're so fuckin' cute, why do they gotta live so far away from me? We should ship a few over. And I will apprehend one. And hold him. And pet him on the back of his head.

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damnit anyway!

In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system; I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought, "Man, here comes that frog...I'd better play dead." You never say, "Here comes that frog" in a terrified manner. It's always optimistic, like, "Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar.. with a stick and a leaf.. to recreate his habitat. And I'd certainly have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16-ounce world."

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone. The dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Holy shit! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

I wanted to get a parrot, but I got a tape recorder instead. It's like a parrot who doesn't fly away. You don't have to worry about a tape recorder just suddenly leaving, in the name of freedom.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

Foosball messed up my perception of soccer. I thought you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a back flip, much less several... simultaneously with two other guys... that look just like me.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once, they're ******* relentless.

I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got a hole-in-one ... but I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore," but I was too busy mumbling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

This one time I was in a convenience store, and a guy came up and asked me, "What's the score?" and I said, "What is the game? If it's a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions that befuddle him, then you are winning, one to nothing. Are you happy now, you competitive fucker!?"

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish; they just want to make it late for something. "Why were you late?" "I got caught!" "Bullshit, let me see the inside of your lip!"

All McDonalds commercials end the same way: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. "Cheeseburgers? Nope. We got spaghetti!...And blankets. But we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children."

I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's Pizzeria ... This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch's Pizzeria locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free."

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufranes.

I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress heard me because she said, "OK, how would you like your eggs, sir?" I tried to answer anyhow: "Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Shit, it's gonna take a while. I do not have time. Scrambled. You fuckin' confused me."

I was in a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, so every bite was a surprise as to how much cheese I had applied to each cracker. That's why I believe they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said "Please Try Again," because apparently they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me — "C'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait — Fruit on the bottom, hope on top."

I make instant oatmeal in the morning then I don't do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I could make the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

Peter Frampton is a musical legend, but I don't know any of his music. When you meet a legend, and you don't know their body of work, you have to divert from that fact. It's like: "Hey Peter Frampton... do you like... toast, too? Yes, as do I. It is warm and crispy. And a perfect place for jelly to lay. Now stay away from me, Frampton, I ain't got shit to say to you."

Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owner. "Hey, which candy bar are you getting?" "That one...and every one on the bottom row!"

I want to make a vending machine that sold vending machines... It would have to be real ******* big!

I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name "Reese's", that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S at the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy name Reese comes by and says, "Let me have that," you better hand it over. "I'm sorry, Reese. I didn't think I'd ever run into you. You're a ******* bully, man. Let me at least have a Piece."

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name "Kit Kat" imprinted in the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. I'm gonna go down to the factory,"you owe me some letters!"

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a bullshit replica, 'cuz dude didn't even get his degree. Why did you have to drop out of school and start making pop so soon?

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people

I wanted this candy bar in a vending machine..the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, found the H button, and pushed it twice...fuckin', potato chips came out, man, 'cause they had an 'HH' button, for Christ's sake, you need to let me know! I am not familiar with the concept of 'HH!' I did not learn my AA BB CCs

They say that the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home, there's more to it than that. "Hey, you want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not until you figure out what the **** else is in it!"

I like the hotels that have the rotating restaurants, you know? I've never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.

At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the **** did you get that banana at?

I order a club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. "I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread." "So do I." "Well lets form a club then." "Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulations." "Yes we do." "Instead of cutting it once, let's cut it again." "Yeah, four triangles." "And we will position them in a circle. And in the middle we will dump chips." "Or potato salad." "Ok." "Let me ask you a question, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks?" "I'm for 'em!" "Well, this club is formed. Spread the word on menus nationwide." "I like my sandwiches with alfalfa sprouts." "Well you're not in the ******* club!"

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

It would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food, and then the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring, and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

I hate puzzles.

 

[Ganj]

I'm at a hotel room and my friend comes over and he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly." He said, "Do I need to dial nine?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number. You can try hitting four and five back to back real quick."

I'm staying at a hotel and it doesn't have a 13th floor 'cause of superstition. But c'mon, people on the fourteenth floor, you know what floor you're really on. "What room are you in?" "1401." "No you're NOT! Jump out of the window, you will die EARLIER!"

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I asked this guy for directions to the store. He said "Oh, that's just a hop, skip and a jump away." Well... that ain't how I'm getting there. You got any directions for those who are walking?

I was in a convenience store reading a magazine and the clerk came up to me and said, "This is not a library." So I said, "All right, I will talk louder then!"

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 AM and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, "Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This shirt would be half done!"

Kinko's is my favorite copy place 'cause it's open 24 hours. Like, if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered. Sometimes I will wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat: "Shit... oh yeah, Kinko's... alright, that will not remain singular."

I got a lamp in my hotel room and it has a 3-way lightbulb in it. If you don't know a lightbulb is a 3-way lightbulb, it messes with your head, because you go to turn it off and it just gets brighter. Like "Damn it, lightbulb, that's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do." And then you turn it again and it gets brighter once more. "I will break you."

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why; that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed. Imagine trying to fly a chair. You'd have to run like a motherfker.

I don't know shit about cars, man. If my car breaks down, and I don't see that little "E" on the dashboard, I'm fucked. But if that "E" is there, man, I act all cocky. I'm like "I got this one under control!" Then I pull out the toolbox, AKA wallet. I'd make a shitty auto mechanic. People would bring their car in to me and say, "My car won't start." "Well maybe there's a killer after you!"

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music." As though there's any other way to take it in. You're not special. That's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

I used to play in a Death Metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they just thought we were "okay."

They said, 'You can swear on XM Radio.' No shit, cuz nobody can hear it. You can swear in the woods too.

You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's ******* bullshit, man, because that thing would knock you on your ass!

I saw a commercial that said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers!" ... So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn't know what the hell they were.

I did a radio interview. The DJ's first question was, "Who are you?" I had to think, "Is this guy really deep? Or did I drive down to the wrong station?"

My friend said to me, "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No, man, it's not the weather that is trippy. Perhaps it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said, 'Yeah.'"

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

Last time I called shotgun, we had rented a limo, so I messed up.

I saw this girl once, and she was born without arms. I spoke with her parents, and they said she doesn't know the meaning of the word "can't." Poor girl, not only can she not wear bracelets, but she cannot embrace a simple contraction. Just take out some letters, put a comma in there, and move it up!

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got, motherfker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."

I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, to see if she would read that too.

I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question."

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

Last night my friend drank 26 bottles of O'Douls... He is a non-alcoholic.

I think Visine is only used by potheads. Who else would use Visine? "I use Visine because I don't want people to know that I was swimming."

Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind. Because of acid I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.

My roommate says, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

2-in-1 is a bullshit term because 1 isn't big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. If it was 2-in-1, it would be overflowing. The bottle would be all sticky and shit...

When it comes to racism, some people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green." Ah, hold on now...purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... Then, help 'em!

I wanna see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so damn literal! "You're using that machine to its exact specification! That machine has been misunderstood for years."

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere."

I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? No? Cool. 'Cause you know me."

 

[TURKEYNECK]

Mitch Hedburg (sp) ...R.I.P. Funny shit.

 

[Reverend Willis]

He was a funny man. The good die young, eh T-neck, and they leave the ugly, old ones like us here on earth to scare little children.

 

[Ptbo_Stonerz]

that was soo funny my stomache is hurting from laughing so hard!

 

[FaTal1]

roflmao i cant finish readin it too dam funny my stomach bout to burst

 

[Ganj]

Yep, forgot to credit him! My bad!

One of the greatest celebrity stoners ever.