ugmjfarmer
Well-Known Member
- Joined
- May 11, 2008
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I have been loosing control of myself physically and emotionally since I was 13 years old.
The problem that triggers these attacks could be anything, The problem is irrelevant. Its the feeling that the problem creates that starts this. Sometimes, the problem is small. Sometimes the problem is non-existent. It could be as simple as bad news, being cut on in line, or problems with work. Its the feeling the problem causes that starts the process.
It starts in my stomach, a feeling of butterflies flying around, much like you would experience when you are falling in love. Only, instead of it being a warm, happy and inviting feeling in your stomach, this is a feeling of despair, helplessness, worry, confusion and fear. I usually can notice two physical changes in my body:
1. Increased heart rate.
I have not been able to measure this heart rate, but I know that it is fast. I can usually feel my pulse in my temples, probably due to jaw clenching. The heart rate is usually the first thing to change, promptly when the butterfly feeling takes place. I have even felt my pulse in my feet, signaling to me that my blood pressure was probably extremely high at the time it happened.
2. Shortness of breath when breathing hard.
Once my heart starts racing, my breathing becomes harder. I have found that I can basically hyperventilate. The harder I try to breath, the more I feel the need to breath more. Any kind of controlled breathing I try can help some, but it remains hard to breath no matter even when taking great big panic breaths.
The feeling inside usually turns to a feeling of backed in a corner or hopelessness. I can't form a rational though once this happens.Internally I feel torn. I can't control what happens next most times without some form of removing myself from the situation.
Usually what happens is I start to raise my voice. To me it probably seems like just raising my voice, but onlookers notice I am screaming. I don't seem to have control over my tone of voice when feeling this way. The feeling of backed in a corner come forward in anger and I push forward with that. The anger is hard to explain though, as if it's some knee-jerk reaction to this inside feeling.
The feeling of breaking something comes next. If something is in my hand, its thrown. If something is available to be thrown, it might happen. This is the time where my mind seems to loose control of my body and whatever is in my path that is not human seems like free range to hurt. Once I realize that I've broken something, its usually easier to concentrate on breathing and clear my head.
The process of the attack leaving is variable. Sometimes, nothing is broken and no eardrums are busted, but I still felt the same way. I'm not always prone to break something, but the worse the attack is the more likely that is to happen. Once I have removed myself, let the hyperventilation stop, I find it easier to piece together rational thoughts. Slowly, my heart rate will slow, my breathing will return to normal. Thought patterns return to a more normal self thought process and I am able to talk and work through the problem.
Other physical symptoms that are not common:
Uncontrollable crying
vomiting and nausea
indigestion and diarrhea
loss of appetite
loss of interest in normal activities that are found enjoyable
loss of sexual drive
headaches
high blood pressure
a-motivational behavior
loss of sleep and insomnia
uncontrollable thoughts and worry
panic
Problems that have occurred because of these attacks:
The results of these attacks have played a large role in a self-destructive behavioral pattern in my life. The following life consequences have happened to me as a result of my behavior.
loss of family relationships
loss of money
physical damage to possessions (both my family and my own)
physical damage to car
physical damage to home
road rage
disciplinary action at work up to termination. Any repeat attacks will lead to termination.
problems with children understanding
loss of life-long friendships
loss of business relationships
Medicines (prescribed or otherwise)
Celexa:
Initial start of a 10mg daily dosage of celexa resulted in immediate tiredness. My sleeping patterns were initially much more normal. I was able to fall asleep without any problems. I felt physically more refreshed from the sleep that I did have. I was able to think more normally and avoid any feelings that would have started an attack initially. Slight side effect of a head-ache was removed by keeping a dose of 1000mg Tylenol every 4 hours. These headaches fade with continued use but return after not takign the pills for two days.
Initially the pills were wonderful for me. I felt less anxious, depressed and more motivated. I was able to feel happy most of the day and sitiations that would cause stress were easy to think through rationally.
The pills seemed to calm the storm before it started, however I have found that it is easy to still have these attacks even on celexa. After 3 months of celexa, the feelings returned and I was not able to keep control of the attacks. Celexa does work to calm any depressive feelings I have but has not successfully regulated any attacks.
It is not 100% effective at its current dose. Celexa does not stop any heart racing or breathing that is associated with the attacks. It is effective (from my perspective) only in treating depression, which has been prevalent in my life since I was 13. I feel that staying on celexa (increasing the dose) or finding a more effective alternative for it are more than likely necessary.
Cannabis:
Cannabis/Marijuana is 100% effective in stopping these attacks instantly.
Smoking any effective amount of cannabis (.1 - 1 grams depending on potency) is an instant relief. I favor highly potent marijuana as it is easier to gain a quicker calming response to the drug when less is needed to be consumed. I find that I will only consume cannabis until the necessary effect is found, which is rapid and fully effective within 15-30 minutes.
Upon consumption of Cannabis by smoking, My breathing slows and my heart rate stops racing. I stop feeling anger and outrage. Thought patterns return to a more normal rational chain of though and clarity. I find that I am more introspective and am able to think through the thoughts or situation that fueled the attack. I can find things humorous again and can actually laugh at the problem. Solutions are much easier to come by. Problems that need direct action are much easier to face and act upon. Problems that are out of my control are easily accepted and I am able to move on and adapt to the problem rather than let it control and consume me.
I find the focus on the smoking of the cannabis helps me focus on deep breathing, where deep breathing without the drug during an attack does not stop the attack. This is almost a form of meditation, where I am able to clear my mind of what was causing the problem, focus on breathing, receive a relaxing feeling that replaces the anxiety, and I am able to make clear and rational decisions.
These soothing results are found almost instantaneous. If I am able to consume cannabis prior to feeling my pulse rise and my breathing become irregular, I am able to avoid any outburst completely. This is without any side effects that I would have with Celexa, such as headaches. Cannabis also cures my headaches, regulates my eating, helps me find deep relaxing sleep without interruptions, enhances happy feelings, and makes sex more enjoyable.
Any Nausea is cured immediately. I can return to eating normally within moments of smoking.
I have always though that cannabis was safe, fun, and effective for me as a relaxing past time. During periods of use in my life, I found that outbursts were controlled. Without use or when being stopped from using, my attacks are relatively uncontrolled or uncontrollable.
I am currently self medicating with Cannabis. I have been doing so since I was 16. I have suffered much legal consequences for this use:
- I have been convicted of use of marijuana three times.
- I have spent a total of 9 months of my life incarcerated in county jail for simple possession and use of marijuana.
- I have been fined over $2400 in court, and have spent over $2000 in court-ordered drug treatment.
- I have attended over 700 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings as ordered by the court system over a total of 4 years of supervised probation.
- I have taken a total of 100 drug tests.
- Finally, I have been forced to live at my mothers house at the age of 24 during the birth of my first child by court order which resulted in the start of a child support case against myself when my child was born. This is due to state law that requires them to file a child support and medical support case against the parent that does not live with the child. I have paid the state of Michigan an additional $12,000 to the Circuit Court system of Michigan resulting in my conviction of use of marijuana which michigan law states the judge may levy a maximum fine of $1000. The mother, whom I was not married to (at the time we are now happily married with two kids) was living in an apartment in my name in which I paid rent for and lived in while caring for her and my child after a medical emergency birth. Had I been able to change my state ID over to reflect this address without violating my probation, i would have not had to pay an additional $12,000 to the State when my child was born. The court would not let me change my address when asked, and I was told that I would be sentenced to a year in jail if I did so at my own discretion.
This was cruel and unusual punishment, and a violation of my constitutional rights. I have been forced to give up my constitutional rights over and over again throughout my life.
The problem that triggers these attacks could be anything, The problem is irrelevant. Its the feeling that the problem creates that starts this. Sometimes, the problem is small. Sometimes the problem is non-existent. It could be as simple as bad news, being cut on in line, or problems with work. Its the feeling the problem causes that starts the process.
It starts in my stomach, a feeling of butterflies flying around, much like you would experience when you are falling in love. Only, instead of it being a warm, happy and inviting feeling in your stomach, this is a feeling of despair, helplessness, worry, confusion and fear. I usually can notice two physical changes in my body:
1. Increased heart rate.
I have not been able to measure this heart rate, but I know that it is fast. I can usually feel my pulse in my temples, probably due to jaw clenching. The heart rate is usually the first thing to change, promptly when the butterfly feeling takes place. I have even felt my pulse in my feet, signaling to me that my blood pressure was probably extremely high at the time it happened.
2. Shortness of breath when breathing hard.
Once my heart starts racing, my breathing becomes harder. I have found that I can basically hyperventilate. The harder I try to breath, the more I feel the need to breath more. Any kind of controlled breathing I try can help some, but it remains hard to breath no matter even when taking great big panic breaths.
The feeling inside usually turns to a feeling of backed in a corner or hopelessness. I can't form a rational though once this happens.Internally I feel torn. I can't control what happens next most times without some form of removing myself from the situation.
Usually what happens is I start to raise my voice. To me it probably seems like just raising my voice, but onlookers notice I am screaming. I don't seem to have control over my tone of voice when feeling this way. The feeling of backed in a corner come forward in anger and I push forward with that. The anger is hard to explain though, as if it's some knee-jerk reaction to this inside feeling.
The feeling of breaking something comes next. If something is in my hand, its thrown. If something is available to be thrown, it might happen. This is the time where my mind seems to loose control of my body and whatever is in my path that is not human seems like free range to hurt. Once I realize that I've broken something, its usually easier to concentrate on breathing and clear my head.
The process of the attack leaving is variable. Sometimes, nothing is broken and no eardrums are busted, but I still felt the same way. I'm not always prone to break something, but the worse the attack is the more likely that is to happen. Once I have removed myself, let the hyperventilation stop, I find it easier to piece together rational thoughts. Slowly, my heart rate will slow, my breathing will return to normal. Thought patterns return to a more normal self thought process and I am able to talk and work through the problem.
Other physical symptoms that are not common:
Uncontrollable crying
vomiting and nausea
indigestion and diarrhea
loss of appetite
loss of interest in normal activities that are found enjoyable
loss of sexual drive
headaches
high blood pressure
a-motivational behavior
loss of sleep and insomnia
uncontrollable thoughts and worry
panic
Problems that have occurred because of these attacks:
The results of these attacks have played a large role in a self-destructive behavioral pattern in my life. The following life consequences have happened to me as a result of my behavior.
loss of family relationships
loss of money
physical damage to possessions (both my family and my own)
physical damage to car
physical damage to home
road rage
disciplinary action at work up to termination. Any repeat attacks will lead to termination.
problems with children understanding
loss of life-long friendships
loss of business relationships
Medicines (prescribed or otherwise)
Celexa:
Initial start of a 10mg daily dosage of celexa resulted in immediate tiredness. My sleeping patterns were initially much more normal. I was able to fall asleep without any problems. I felt physically more refreshed from the sleep that I did have. I was able to think more normally and avoid any feelings that would have started an attack initially. Slight side effect of a head-ache was removed by keeping a dose of 1000mg Tylenol every 4 hours. These headaches fade with continued use but return after not takign the pills for two days.
Initially the pills were wonderful for me. I felt less anxious, depressed and more motivated. I was able to feel happy most of the day and sitiations that would cause stress were easy to think through rationally.
The pills seemed to calm the storm before it started, however I have found that it is easy to still have these attacks even on celexa. After 3 months of celexa, the feelings returned and I was not able to keep control of the attacks. Celexa does work to calm any depressive feelings I have but has not successfully regulated any attacks.
It is not 100% effective at its current dose. Celexa does not stop any heart racing or breathing that is associated with the attacks. It is effective (from my perspective) only in treating depression, which has been prevalent in my life since I was 13. I feel that staying on celexa (increasing the dose) or finding a more effective alternative for it are more than likely necessary.
Cannabis:
Cannabis/Marijuana is 100% effective in stopping these attacks instantly.
Smoking any effective amount of cannabis (.1 - 1 grams depending on potency) is an instant relief. I favor highly potent marijuana as it is easier to gain a quicker calming response to the drug when less is needed to be consumed. I find that I will only consume cannabis until the necessary effect is found, which is rapid and fully effective within 15-30 minutes.
Upon consumption of Cannabis by smoking, My breathing slows and my heart rate stops racing. I stop feeling anger and outrage. Thought patterns return to a more normal rational chain of though and clarity. I find that I am more introspective and am able to think through the thoughts or situation that fueled the attack. I can find things humorous again and can actually laugh at the problem. Solutions are much easier to come by. Problems that need direct action are much easier to face and act upon. Problems that are out of my control are easily accepted and I am able to move on and adapt to the problem rather than let it control and consume me.
I find the focus on the smoking of the cannabis helps me focus on deep breathing, where deep breathing without the drug during an attack does not stop the attack. This is almost a form of meditation, where I am able to clear my mind of what was causing the problem, focus on breathing, receive a relaxing feeling that replaces the anxiety, and I am able to make clear and rational decisions.
These soothing results are found almost instantaneous. If I am able to consume cannabis prior to feeling my pulse rise and my breathing become irregular, I am able to avoid any outburst completely. This is without any side effects that I would have with Celexa, such as headaches. Cannabis also cures my headaches, regulates my eating, helps me find deep relaxing sleep without interruptions, enhances happy feelings, and makes sex more enjoyable.
Any Nausea is cured immediately. I can return to eating normally within moments of smoking.
I have always though that cannabis was safe, fun, and effective for me as a relaxing past time. During periods of use in my life, I found that outbursts were controlled. Without use or when being stopped from using, my attacks are relatively uncontrolled or uncontrollable.
I am currently self medicating with Cannabis. I have been doing so since I was 16. I have suffered much legal consequences for this use:
- I have been convicted of use of marijuana three times.
- I have spent a total of 9 months of my life incarcerated in county jail for simple possession and use of marijuana.
- I have been fined over $2400 in court, and have spent over $2000 in court-ordered drug treatment.
- I have attended over 700 Alcoholics Anonymous meetings as ordered by the court system over a total of 4 years of supervised probation.
- I have taken a total of 100 drug tests.
- Finally, I have been forced to live at my mothers house at the age of 24 during the birth of my first child by court order which resulted in the start of a child support case against myself when my child was born. This is due to state law that requires them to file a child support and medical support case against the parent that does not live with the child. I have paid the state of Michigan an additional $12,000 to the Circuit Court system of Michigan resulting in my conviction of use of marijuana which michigan law states the judge may levy a maximum fine of $1000. The mother, whom I was not married to (at the time we are now happily married with two kids) was living in an apartment in my name in which I paid rent for and lived in while caring for her and my child after a medical emergency birth. Had I been able to change my state ID over to reflect this address without violating my probation, i would have not had to pay an additional $12,000 to the State when my child was born. The court would not let me change my address when asked, and I was told that I would be sentenced to a year in jail if I did so at my own discretion.
This was cruel and unusual punishment, and a violation of my constitutional rights. I have been forced to give up my constitutional rights over and over again throughout my life.
The funny thing for me was, I don't drink.
