Pee Tests for Employment

mean4green

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Wassup ladies & germs.

Was a beautiful sunrise this morning. Sat out on porch for combo Sunrise & W&B.
It was cold, frosty, a bit of fog, a bit of smoke.
Now I feel like the Early Morning Stoned Pimp, that's a good thing.

Have any of you ever had to submit to a pre-employment drug test?

I have. Four times - various jobs. I'm glad I am retired and no longer have to submit to any more of that **.

Funny thing (not funny at all) is that alcohol is gone from your system in hours or 1 day max, Coke - 3 days, Weed = up to 30 days depending on habit.
That sucks - the least harmful substance of the group hangs in our systems the longest.

So, if you had a test to take:

Did you have advance notice and refrained from the herb?

Did you drink some "miracle cleansing solution"

Did you scheme up some nefarious plan to beat the test, therefore beating "Da Man"?

Just wondering.

I have a couple doozies to share, (doozies, not doobies).

So lets hear what you got if you schemed your way to a passing pee test grade.

Then I will do my Paul Harvey and explain what I did.
 

WeedHopper

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I know that you might get by with shit on a pee strip test but not the one the State does for probation or parole called gas chromatography. Seen many ppl sent back to prison trying to fool that test.
 

Drifting13

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The only times I ever peed in a cup was on paper & then for the VA pain management. On paper I stopped grooving for 2.5 years. With the VA I stopped about 30 days before. I'm happy to report 2 years ago after 25 years on Methadone I stopped using it and went to just cannabis...
 

WeedHopper

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My main thing is i dont want anybody on probation or parole to fk up and end up back in Prison because they were told they could drink some liquid bullshit and beat a drug test done with gas chromatography.
Beating a test strip is a whole different ball game then gas chromatography.
I have personally seen men and women go to jail or prison for trying to beat that test.
The test strip is easy to beat. But those are normally used for employment because they are cheap and they can catch you off guard with a test.
 
R

ROSTERMAN

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My main thing is i dont want anybody on probation or parole to fk up and end up back in Prison because they were told they could drink some liquid bullshit and beat a drug test done with gas chromatography.
Beating a test strip is a whole different ball game then gas chromatography.
I have personally seen men and women go to jail or prison for trying to beat that test.
The test strip is easy to beat. But those are normally used for employment because they are cheap and they can catch you off guard with a test.
The Man Knows Don't try it.

And I am not your Dog LOL woof
 

mean4green

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You can always tell em to hold the cup for you.

1SP:

You don’t know how close I came to doing that.

There were two occurrences when I had to figure out how to fool a pre-employment urine drug test.

I hate the idea of drug tests. Now I can see if you are an airline pilot or shit like that.
I applied for a job, the company required a pre-employment p test, I wanted the job, so’
there I was – about to provide them a Hot Sample because I sure as **** was not going to stop smoking.

The first occurrence:
I had no intention of quitting da herb, never mind cut back from my usual habit.
and since the test was the real McCoy Gas Chromatagraphy,
I was a bit nervous because I know my sample would be Hot.

Night before – I started chugging water – out of 1 gallon plastic milk jug.
Over & Over – I flushed my kidneys to virgin status.
I was feeling queezy and told a friend who was an RN - she told me to stop - that a person can
literally drown from drinking large amounts of water.

I never knew that.
But kept the drinking peeing process up to the next day.

I must of drank 10 gallons of water the 30 hrs before the test.

On the way to the test clinic I was drinking water – even had to pull off road for relief.

I entered the clinic and met Carl – the nurse in charge. My Gaydar meter spiked. Carl was a flaming homosexual – not that it mattered to me – he seemed like a very nice fellow.

The reason I mention Carl’s preference is that it will come into play later in this tale.

Carl explains to me that the toilet in the bathroom is shut off, there is blue dye in the water, and that I should not flush when finished. He handed me a plastic cup and I proceeded to fill er up.

My urine was crystal clear – like the headwaters of a pristine trout stream in Alaska.

I exit bathroom – hand the cup over to Carl, he checks temp, transfers liquid to another container, and prepares a Fed Ex package – which I was required to sign – along with Carl that we both witnessed the sample being sealed in envelope. (Chain of Command/Possession Procedure).

I bid farewell to Carl and head home.
I fired up a fattie as soon as I got in my car.

Two days later – I get a call from the HR person at company I applied to. She tells me there is a problem. The lab could not evaluate my urine sample and they believe it was tampered with. I will have to submit another sample.
I told her I do not understand what the problem could be – and furthermore did not appreciate the lab accusing me of tampering with sample. The HR lady told me that I have to retake test the next day. I told her I would – to setup appointment.

I’m sorta pissed, but figured I gotta play this out.

I smoke a doob, and started chugging water again – all night and next morning.

Next day – I enter clinic and immediately see my buddy Carl. He sees me and says β€œWhy are you here again?”. I acted pissed off as I explained what happened and that it was a joke that the lab could not run the test – I had to drive 40 miles again to retake test.

No biggie to him, he prepared package for me, explained same bathroom procedures and gave me a cup.

I continued to act a bit peeved. I turn to Carl and say – Carl, I want to make sure this is the last time I have to come here – so – would you watch me pee – and write a statement on the Fed Ex label – with your signature – that you witnessed me peeing into the cup.

Carl smiled and said certainly.

Good thing I did not get wood – cause me thinks Carl was a bit attracted to me..

I whip it out, and proceed to fill the cup.

Carl does his thing, seals it up and writes witness declaration – then we both sign.

Later Carl – nice meeting you.
******************
The next day – HR lady calls me and states the test was clean- all is well.

I told her that I was relieved to hear the Lab got it right the second time around.

I jumped for Joy , Fired One Up - ---- ahhh The Devil’s Weed never tasted so good.

*******************

I beat a GC drug test … with water, a bit of wit, perseverance & trickery.


The lab had no choice but to pass due to the witness declaration made by Carl.

I Stuck it to the MAN.
.
.
.
.
.
p.s. I should have had flowers sent to Carl…


later - the 2nd occurrence - when I get time to write - it's a twisted tale...
 
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WeedHopper

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Yeah in Texas its called a false positive and your ass goes to jail. Like i said,, a job is one thing,,,Prison is another. I know a couple lab technicians. You didnt beat that test by drinking water. Undoubtedly they didnt want to deal with another false positive over a job or that boy liked you and wanted to help you out and peed for ya after you left. You sure you didnt let him hold it you nasty bastard😁
Im not going to argue with anybody over this. Im just going to warn you,,if your on Probation or Parole you better not fk with this test or you will wish you hadn't.
If your trying to get a job,,stop fking smoking or find a different job. I personally have never had to take one for a job but i have been to Prison twice over 30 yrs ago and know plenty about drug testing and seen many mother fkers that thought they could beat that test,,and none ever did and the Lab technicians explained to me why and ill leave it at that.
I personally have never failed a drug test while on Parole or probation because my freedom was worth more to me then smoking a fking joint and if i needed a particular job to feed my family i would quit smoking untill i got it. My family is more important to me then any drug or plant,,,but to each his own,,but remember i warned you.
 
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R

ROSTERMAN

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Yeah in Texas its called a false positive and your ass goes to jail. Like i said,, a job is one thing,,,Prison is another. I know a couple lab technicians. You didnt beat that test by drinking water. Undoubtedly they didnt want to deal with another false positive over a job or that boy liked you and wanted to help you out and peed for ya after you left. You sure you didnt let him hold it you nasty bastard😁
Im not going to argue with anybody over this. Im just going to warn you,,if your on Probation or Parole you better not fk with this test or you will wish you hadn't.
If your trying to get a job,,stop fking smoking or find a different job. I personally have never had to take one for a job but i have been to Prison twice over 30 yrs ago and know plenty about drug testing and seen many mother fkers that thought they could beat that test,,and none ever did and the Lab technicians explained to me why and ill leave it at that.
I personally have never failed a drug test while on Parole or probation because my freedom was worth more to me then smoking a fking joint and if i needed a particular job to feed my family i would quit smoking untill i got it. My family is more important to me then any drug or plant,,,but to each his own,,but remember i warned you.
Gospel
 

mean4green

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I know a couple lab technicians. You didnt beat that test by drinking water. Undoubtedly they didnt want to deal with another false positive over a job or that boy liked you and wanted to help you out and peed for ya after you left. You sure you didnt let him hold it you nasty bastard😁

seen many mother fkers that thought they could beat that test,,and none ever did and the Lab technicians explained to me why and ill leave it at that.


if i needed a particular job to feed my family i would quit smoking untill i got it. My family is more important to me then any drug or plant,,,but to each his own,,but remember i warned you.

I spoke to someone familiar with labs & procedures.

Carl did not pee for me. He watched - and got quite a show😍
and
The reason I failed the first time = their equipment could not pull a sample - it was crystal clear spring water from the repeated flushings. They may have deemed it tampered with.
So they requested a 2nd sample.

The reason I "passed" the 2nd round (they tested the same crystal clear spring water) and probably could not get a reading,

but

since the seal & sticker on the FedEx bag had Carl's statement about witnessing me pee,

that was CheckMate!!!

that removed any possibility of "tampering".

they probably knew I F'd them over and maybe laughed it off.


I was single no kids 25 years ago when that happened.
There were plenty of jobs out there, and I was in no hurry,
so I kept enjoying my herb,Herb..

later

p.s. stay tuned for the 2nd chapter. I feel dirty just thinking about posting it..
 
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mean4green

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Get ready for mean4green vs GC Drug Test - Chapter 2.

warning - this is a friggin novel.

I enjoyed writing it since it was trip down memory lane - (and they claim da herb erases memory).
***********************************
GC Pee Test – Chapter 2

A few years down the road, I applied and accepted a position with a Fortune 500 Company. It meant a big pay bump and another step up the career ladder with great growth potential. Getting β€œin” to this company was like joining the Secret Service.

Full physical, blood test, background check which was grueling, and last but not least – a GC Drug Test. When the HR lady called me and said my background check was complete, last step was to take the drug test.
Bad timing. I was Hot – like I’ve been for decades. I just scored a Z of Killer from my Herb Man Roger da Dodger.

*** – I recalled the 1st test that I fooled the MAN on. But there was quite a bit of stress involved with the watered down sample – twice. Too close of a call. I did not feel up to playing that game again.

I discussed my dilemma with Roger da Dodger, and between tokes, he came up with a plan.

He would provide me a urine sample to take the test.
I laughed and told him that I was Hot – He was VOLCANIC.
*** was I supposed to do with his piss ?

He told me that he would get a sample from his 15yr old son.
The kid was straight laced, played school sports, etc.
Roger would tell his kid that the sample was for summer sports program.
Not sure if the kid would wonder why Dad wanted sample vs school nurse or doctor,
but that wasn’t my tree to chop down.

I agreed. Teenage urine – same sex so that’s good (I heard that lab can distinguish sex – if a guy uses woman sample –busted). So check that off the list.

One day before test I picked up a pint mason jar about ΒΎ full of bright yellow colored All-American adolescent urine. I told Roger that if his kid tests hot I would kill him…

Time for Deceptive Scheming:

I planned on putting the urine into double zip lock sandwich bags, which would be duct-taped approx 4 inches above my Johnson. I did a trial run with water. Exactly where so the bags would not crush while standing/sitting – which was my #2 concern. Sitting was a problem, and I had to drive about 25 miles to doctor office. I would have to attach the package to my package (pun intended) right before I got out of car. Sounded like a plan.

Now, to deal with my #1 concern – temperature. I heard of several folks who got busted by submitting
a sample that was cold – out of range of acceptable normal human temperature.
I devised a plan that included a small igloo cooler, 3 mason qt jars full of boiling water (wrapped in towels), the thermometer from my back porch, and the pre-duct-taped double zipped urine sample bag resting atop the towel wrapped jars.

As I drove to doctor office, the cooler was on the front passenger floor. I would lift the lid to read the thermometer and to fluctuate the temp I would leave cooler lid partially open to varying degrees.
I was trying to maintain a sample temp of 102. I figured that after I attached sample pack to my private zone, entered doc office, and took test the temp should drop to 100 or bullseye 98.6.

Simple -what could possibly go wrong?
I pulled up to the doctor office and parked at curb. I undid my belt and checked temp of sample pack – 101deg in cooler.
I was a bit concerned about the zippered bags – will the seal hold as pressure increases as I walk or get out of car? I pasted the pack to my privates and its warmth nurtured Johnson awake. I told J not to stand up and salute because I could not deal with another bump in my crotch.

I quickly found out about the seal of the zip lock bag. I exited my car and felt wetness!!
I look down and I have big wet stain in front of jeans – I pissed my pants.
I was able to secure the corner of the bag that popped the seal. And there was plenty of urine left in bag.
But I had a big piss mark on the front of my jeans. Thankfully, I had a paper to give to doctors office and used it to shield the wet area.

LUCKY ME

I entered the doctor office to find a small waiting area with no one in it.
An older lady nurse came to the window and I checked in.
She stated that the doctor will be about 15 mins and if I wanted to provide urine sample first that
she would take care of it.
I told her I just drove 25+ miles and I really needed to go.. She chuckled,, I chuckled..
She never looked down at my pants, handed me a cup and showed me to bathroom.

I peeled that sample sack off me – along with about 50 pubic hairs, carefully opening corner and pouring piss into cup. It was toasty warm and I grew even more confident that this scheme will work.

I knew the next step was full physical exam which meant I would have to strip clothes
So I stashed the duct-taped sample bag inside the toilet tank.

I exited bathroom with sample cup in hand. Approached the nurse station and exclaimed as I pointed to my wet pants – that I had a very hard time trying to pee in the cup.. She chuckled...I chuckled.

The first thing she did was check the temp – 99deg.
Can you say S C O R E !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Survived the physical exam by the old doc.

Before I left, I asked the nurse if I could use the restroom again – before my ride home.
I did, and recovered the sample bag and shoved it down my pants.
I wished her well.

Next day I got test results – PASS with FLYING COLORS..

F da MAN – I’m smarter than your average pothead.!!;)

******
I never had to take another test, and never will I have to again.

In a twisted kind of way, I am proud of those two β€œStick It to da Man” schemes - that I won.
I'm glad I got to share them with you bunch of miscreant stoners..πŸ˜…
 
R

ROSTERMAN

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Well at least Carl didnt hold it for ya this time.
πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
pe1.jpg


Now that is a good friend LOL
 

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