Get ready for mean4green vs GC Drug Test - Chapter 2.
warning - this is a friggin novel.
I enjoyed writing it since it was trip down memory lane - (and they claim da herb erases memory).
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GC Pee Test – Chapter 2
A few years down the road, I applied and accepted a position with a Fortune 500 Company. It meant a big pay bump and another step up the career ladder with great growth potential. Getting “in” to this company was like joining the Secret Service.
Full physical, blood test, background check which was grueling, and last but not least – a GC Drug Test. When the HR lady called me and said my background check was complete, last step was to take the drug test.
Bad timing. I was Hot – like I’ve been for decades. I just scored a Z of Killer from my Herb Man Roger da Dodger.
*** – I recalled the 1st test that I fooled the MAN on. But there was quite a bit of stress involved with the watered down sample – twice. Too close of a call. I did not feel up to playing that game again.
I discussed my dilemma with Roger da Dodger, and between tokes, he came up with a plan.
He would provide me a urine sample to take the test.
I laughed and told him that I was Hot – He was VOLCANIC.
*** was I supposed to do with his piss ?
He told me that he would get a sample from his 15yr old son.
The kid was straight laced, played school sports, etc.
Roger would tell his kid that the sample was for summer sports program.
Not sure if the kid would wonder why Dad wanted sample vs school nurse or doctor,
but that wasn’t my tree to chop down.
I agreed. Teenage urine – same sex so that’s good (I heard that lab can distinguish sex – if a guy uses woman sample –busted). So check that off the list.
One day before test I picked up a pint mason jar about ¾ full of bright yellow colored All-American adolescent urine. I told Roger that if his kid tests hot I would kill him…
Time for Deceptive Scheming:
I planned on putting the urine into double zip lock sandwich bags, which would be duct-taped approx 4 inches above my Johnson. I did a trial run with water. Exactly where so the bags would not crush while standing/sitting – which was my #2 concern. Sitting was a problem, and I had to drive about 25 miles to doctor office. I would have to attach the package to my package (pun intended) right before I got out of car. Sounded like a plan.
Now, to deal with my #1 concern – temperature. I heard of several folks who got busted by submitting
a sample that was cold – out of range of acceptable normal human temperature.
I devised a plan that included a small igloo cooler, 3 mason qt jars full of boiling water (wrapped in towels), the thermometer from my back porch, and the pre-duct-taped double zipped urine sample bag resting atop the towel wrapped jars.
As I drove to doctor office, the cooler was on the front passenger floor. I would lift the lid to read the thermometer and to fluctuate the temp I would leave cooler lid partially open to varying degrees.
I was trying to maintain a sample temp of 102. I figured that after I attached sample pack to my private zone, entered doc office, and took test the temp should drop to 100 or bullseye 98.6.
Simple -what could possibly go wrong?
I pulled up to the doctor office and parked at curb. I undid my belt and checked temp of sample pack – 101deg in cooler.
I was a bit concerned about the zippered bags – will the seal hold as pressure increases as I walk or get out of car? I pasted the pack to my privates and its warmth nurtured Johnson awake. I told J not to stand up and salute because I could not deal with another bump in my crotch.
I quickly found out about the seal of the zip lock bag. I exited my car and felt wetness!!
I look down and I have big wet stain in front of jeans – I pissed my pants.
I was able to secure the corner of the bag that popped the seal. And there was plenty of urine left in bag.
But I had a big piss mark on the front of my jeans. Thankfully, I had a paper to give to doctors office and used it to shield the wet area.
LUCKY ME
I entered the doctor office to find a small waiting area with no one in it.
An older lady nurse came to the window and I checked in.
She stated that the doctor will be about 15 mins and if I wanted to provide urine sample first that
she would take care of it.
I told her I just drove 25+ miles and I really needed to go.. She chuckled,, I chuckled..
She never looked down at my pants, handed me a cup and showed me to bathroom.
I peeled that sample sack off me – along with about 50 pubic hairs, carefully opening corner and pouring piss into cup. It was toasty warm and I grew even more confident that this scheme will work.
I knew the next step was full physical exam which meant I would have to strip clothes
So I stashed the duct-taped sample bag inside the toilet tank.
I exited bathroom with sample cup in hand. Approached the nurse station and exclaimed as I pointed to my wet pants – that I had a very hard time trying to pee in the cup.. She chuckled...I chuckled.
The first thing she did was check the temp – 99deg.
Can you say S C O R E !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Survived the physical exam by the old doc.
Before I left, I asked the nurse if I could use the restroom again – before my ride home.
I did, and recovered the sample bag and shoved it down my pants.
I wished her well.
Next day I got test results – PASS with FLYING COLORS..
F da MAN – I’m smarter than your average pothead.!!
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I never had to take another test, and never will I have to again.
In a twisted kind of way, I am proud of those two “Stick It to da Man” schemes - that I won.
I'm glad I got to share them with you bunch of miscreant stoners..