Todays funny

[oltomnoddy]

1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

2. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

3. A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

4. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

5. The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was
on shaky ground.

6. The batteries were given out free of charge.

7. A dentist and a manicurist got married. They fought tooth and

nail.

8. A will is a dead give-away.

9. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I will show

you A-Flat miner.

11. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

12. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

13. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

14. Police were called to the day center when a three year old

was resisting a rest.

15. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut

off? He's all right now.

16. If you take your laptop for a run, you could jog your memory.

17. A bicycle can't stand alone. It's two tired.

18. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

19. The guy who fell on the upholstery machine was fully

recovered.

20. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

21. When she saw her first strands of gray, she thought she

would dye.

 

[Cowboy]

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,' she retorted indignantly. In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.'

Hey, coola down lady,' said the man. 'Who talkin' abouta sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi

$50.00 says you're gonna read this again

 

[HippyInEngland]

The stranded Irishman



One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's certainly not a ship"



As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft. Suddenly there from the surf strides a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!



She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"



"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.



With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter. He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, “0A that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"



"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.



Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."



Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.



He opened the flask and took a long drink. "Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!!!"



At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"



With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!”


eace:

 

[oldone]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

 

[HippyInEngland]

President Barack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital.

He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness,

He greets one.

The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves onto the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle

Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

.
'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

eace:

 

[Dubbaman]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? ....Where have you been? ...Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it". And on and on and on it went.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

 

[Dubbaman]

To write with a broken pencil is... pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes... take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar... got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles,... U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes... was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out... free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married.... They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a... dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist... you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name... and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you... A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if... you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia:... The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is... hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center... you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was... resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off?... He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could... jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone... it is two-tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism,... it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry... it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine... was fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory... which was never developed.

Those who get too big for their britches will be... exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair... she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture... a jab well done.

 

[Dancer]

LOLOL... classic!

Made me smile

 

[Dubbaman]

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
'Al-Gebra is a problem for us', the Attorney General said. 'They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.' They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.“

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.” White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

 

[Dubbaman]

A good ole Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100 miles of here."
He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his bass boat", pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing."

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Arkansas a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and whip your @zz!"

 

[SmokinMom]

Good to see you Dubs.

 

[Dubbaman]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello?"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

 

[Dubbaman]

And in this form ill drink more milk

 

[Mauitraveler]

Dos Boobies! ROFLCOPTER! This is sprouting everywhere.

 

[Dubbaman]

The missus came home steaming drunk last night. "You up for some role play action, babe?" She asked with a wink.

"Not really." I replied.

"Oh, come on." She said. "We can act out ANY scene, from ANY film you want."

Walking over to her with a huge smile on my face, I noticed her expression change. She had realised her mistake, however it was too late. Where I had previously seen arousal in her eyes, I now saw only blind terror.

As I shouted "THIS... IS... SPARTA!" and kicked her down the stairs.

 

[Mauitraveler]

Wahahahahah!

 

[picklepick]

Here's my joke: Idiot Worker

A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.

 

[Mauitraveler]

Here's my joke: Idiot Worker

A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.

But what if there's a space to step back? :hubba:

 

[Locked]

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?? "We better get some support or people are gonna think we are nuts!".

 

[YYZ Skinhead]

There once was a vicar in Kew
Who kept a pet cow in a pew.
He taught it each week
A new letter in Greek,
But it never quite got past Mu.