God and The Scientist

[Homemadegravity]

God & The Scientist

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him, 'Lord, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what you did in the ‘beginning’.'

'Oh, is that so? Tell me....' replies God.

'Well', says the scientist, 'we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man.'

'Well, that's interesting. Show Me. '

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

'Oh no, no, no...' interrupts God,

(I love this)




“Get your own dirt.”

 

[Homemadegravity]

"Questions That Haunt Me"

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"... but it is only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where is that extra penny going?

Once you are in heaven, are you stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They are going to see you naked anyway!

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They are both dogs!

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

[Homemadegravity]

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means somet hing, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman 's response refer to #3.

 

[Homemadegravity]

EVER WONDER Why??

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing

liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man Who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the Whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together?

if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?[/FONT]

 

[allgrownup]

i was srcrolling to the end..............now i'm to dizzy to reply LOL

 

[Oscar]

The Priest gets a ticket.

One sunny morning the Priest decides to take his bike to church instead of his car.
He's descending a hill and is counting his blessings.
He all of a sudden raises his hands towards the heavens and praises God.
At that very moment a cop pulls up behind him and asks why he is riding with no hands.
The priest replies, "I am with God".
"That's it," says the cop.
"I'll have to give you a ticket 'cause double-riding is punishable by Law", says the Cop.

:holysheep:

 

[upinarms]

Maybe the reason UV rays lighten hair is the same reason it whitens teeth. I must say you do make some awfully good points of things that have not ever crossed my mind up until now.




"Hope has two beautiful daughters, Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are and Courage to change the way things are."-St. Augustine of Hippo

 

[Stoney Bud]

“Get your own dirt.”

Now THAT'S funny!

Thanks for the laugh!

 

[HGB]

what a nice thread to find after mass bong hit's...

thx


:laugh:

 

[Homemadegravity]

22 Things To Never Say To A Cop 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

8. Bad cop! No donut!

9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your *** kicked on COPS?

12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.

13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

14. I pay your salary!

15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.

22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

 

[Homemadegravity]

Guts or Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking,
there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.

 

[Homemadegravity]

Cheerio’s

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old, "I think it's about time we started cussing."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ***." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat *** it won't be Cheerios!"

 

[Homemadegravity]

Pissed Off & Kicking!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. (kids nowdayz have no clue what that is)

"Not yet." said the little boy.

His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. No milk or nothing!

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father Roseman comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, "Are you going to tell him. or should I?"

 

[Homemadegravity]

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.
To he first he said "what was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied "Oh man I just love alchol and being drunk man" so the devil showed the man to a room full of alchol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied "oh man I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife man". So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of georgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said "see you in 100 years" and locked the door.

The third man's answer to the question was "oh man I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!". The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying "see you in 100 years".

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.
The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!". Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked ; "hey man, got a light?"​

 

[Homemadegravity]

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"
The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads." So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit toking and will come back the next week to buy the TV. A week later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"
And the owner says, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.
He comes back a week later and says, "How much for that TV?"
The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell to potheads!!!"
The stoner looks back at the owner and says, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"
The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

 

[upinarms]

Wow Homemadegravity you are quite entertaining. I look forward to reading your future posts, Thanks!!!:yay:

 

[KaptainKronic]

[FONT=&quot]Life Isn't Fair[/FONT]

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While
on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she
asked," Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, brow lift, lip enhancement, boob job, liposuction, and a tummy
tuck.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
the street on her way home, she was hit and killed by a car.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40
years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the car?"

God replied,

"Giiirrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you."

 

[Homemadegravity]

:yeahthat: was funny. Hope we can kep this thread going with some good clean funny jokes. Come on guys I know you got some jokes to add to this pppppppllllleeeeeeeeaaaasssseeeee. Just think of when you get really high and you wish you had something to laugh at and then you remember OMG Homemade posted a thread with some jokes on it lets take a toke a laugh a little. Seems like that Mp needs a little laughter lately enough with the negative crap now lets toke one watch our plants grow and laugh together. Sorry for rambling on, but thank you for reading this. :bong2:

 

[KaptainKronic]

I had a bunch of Australian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency
exchange window at the local bank.

Short line.

Just one guy in front of me...an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for
dollars and he was a little irritated.

He asked the teller, "Why it changes?? Yestoday, I get two hunat dolla for yen.
Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations"

The Asian guy says, "Fluc you white people too!"

 

[KaptainKronic]

Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures?



-Your last name stays put.

-The garage is all yours.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
-Chocolate is just another snack.
- You can be President.
-You can never be pregnant.
-You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
-You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
-Car mechanics tell you the truth.
-The world is your urinal.
-You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too
yucky.
-You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
-Same work, more pay.
-Wrinkles add character.
-Wedding dress $5000 Tux rental-$100.
-People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
-The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
-New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
-One mood all the time.
-Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
-You know stuff about tanks.
-A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
-You can open all your own jars.
-You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
-If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
-Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
-Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
-You almost never have strap problems in public.
-You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
-Everything on your face stays its original color.
-The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
-You only have to shave your face and neck.
-You can play with toys all your life.
-Your belly usually hides your big hips.
-One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
-You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
-You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
-You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
-You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25
minutes.
No wonder men are happier.



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