Todays funny

[HippyInEngland]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, 'Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?'

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to her nephew...... .




'Bastards won't let me fart.'

 

[HippyInEngland]

A wife takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her
nine year old son comes home early, sees them, and hides in the bedroom
closet to watch. Unexpectedly, the woman's husband also comes home. She
puts
her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is already in
there.

The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball.'

Man: 'That 's nice.'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'

Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250.'

Weeks later, it happens that the boy and the lover find themselves in the
closet again.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750.'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

The boy says '$1,000.'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to rip off your friends like that...that is
way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to
confession'.

In church, the Dad makes sure the boy goes in to the confessional and
closes
the door.. The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now.'

 

[nikimadritista]

A Giraffe escaped from a US Zoo... The US Police couldn't find him for a week, so they called the FBI! The Feds searched for another week and contacted the CIA... CIA failed tracing the Animal and the president decided to call for help from abroad!
Having the reputation of the Most violent Police in Europe, the CIA firs asked the Bulgarian Police to help them with the search!
The Bulgarians were glad to help, and in three days only they came back with an Elephant!
- It was a Giraffe we were looking for - said the head of investigation in the US!
And than the Elephant spoke:
- I was a GIRAFFE..... :hubba:

 

[trillions of atoms]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.

That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No not really, sir... They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'

LMFAO, that one is freakin classic!

 

[sc00bys00]

:rofl:
I love this thread!
:48:

 

[HippyInEngland]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health,
they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.
That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a huge stack of warm
pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'All those for me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father'

 

[andy52]

a young boy accidentally walked into the bathroom as his mother was bathing.he saw her pubic area and in awe asked his mom what that was.she replied it was her squirrel.with not much reaction he left.a few weeks later he was at his grandmothers home and saw her naked in the tub.he asked her what that thing between her legs was.she replies that is her squirrel.with astonishment he ask her why her squirrel is gray and mommies is black.the grandmother replies that if his mothers squirrel had cracked as many nuts as hers it would be gray also.

 

[Dubbaman]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey son, may I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

 

[Dubbaman]

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

 

[Puffin Afatty]

BED SHEETS



An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a
series of tests, the last of which had left his
bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the
bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another
and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with
diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to
remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of
bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out
the hospital window.

A drunk was walking
by the hospital when the
sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing,
and swinging his arms violently trying to get the
unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet,
staring down at the sheets, a hospital security
guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who
had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked,
"What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I
just beat the **** out of a ghost."

Happy Halloween

 

[HippyInEngland]

I saw this and thought of MP for some odd reason :rofl:

 

[Dubbaman]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'

 

[Dubbaman]

Miss Beatrice,


The church organist,

Was in her eighties


And had never been married.


She was admired for her sweetness


and kindness to all.


One afternoon the pastor


came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.


She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.


As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,


the young minister


noticed a


cute glass bowl


sitting on top of it.



The bowl was filled


with water,


and in the water


floated, of all things, a condom!


When she returned


with tea and scones,


they began to chat.


The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity


about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.


'Miss Beatrice', he said,


'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'


pointing to the bowl.


'Oh, yes,' she replied,


'Isn't it wonderful?


I was walking through


The Park a few months ago


and I found this little package


on the ground.


The directions said


to place it on the organ,


keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.


Do you know


I haven't had the flu


All winter.'

 

[Dubbaman]

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger.
His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.
'Johnny!' Mom screams. 'Knock it off!.' You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.
Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store.
He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.
Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge, a diarrhea run.
She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.
When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing.
She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.
The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see
what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and **** is everywhere.
On him, the walls, etc.
'Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?' she asks.
He says, 'I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!'

 

[Dubbaman]

One day an old lady went to the doctors because she had an itch in her crotch. She told the doctor her problem and he said, 'You have the crabs.'
She informed the doctor that it could not be the crabs because she was an eighty year old virgin. She went to another doctor and explained her problem to him. The doctor said, 'You probably have the crabs.'

'No' she said, 'I am an eighty year old virgin.'

Frustrated, she went to a third doctor.She said, 'Doctor can you help me? I have an itch in my crotch. Don't tell me that it is the crabs because I am an eighty year old virgin. It can not be the crabs.'

The doctor said,'Get on the table and let's have a look.'

After examining, the doctor proclaimed, 'Ma'am, your right, you do not have the crabs. This cherry is sooooo old, you have fruit flies.'

 

[Dubbaman]

Two old men are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, i'm not wasting two of my girls on them. they won't know the difference.'
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, 'you know, i think my girl was dead!'

'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'

'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time i was loving her.'

His friend says, 'could be worse i think mine was a witch.'

'A witch ??. . why the hell would you say that?'

'Well, i was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and i gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window... took my teeth with her!'

 

[Dubbaman]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .. very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!'

 

[Dubbaman]

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.
At the first house a woman complained, 'I've been a little sick to my stomach.'

The older doctor said, 'Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick'.

As they left the younger man said, 'You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly'?

'I didn't have to examine her. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That's what was probably making her sick.'

'Huh,' the younger doctor said, 'Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house.'

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. 'I'm feeling terribly run down lately.'

'You've probably been doing too much work for the church,' the younger doctor told her. 'Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.'

As they left, the elder doc said, 'Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?'

'Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.'

 

[Dubbaman]

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...









BUMP...










BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.





BUMP...





BUMP..





BUMP..





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him





FASTER...





FASTER...





BUMP...





BUMP...





BUMP...








He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.






However, the casket crashes thought his door, with the lid of the casket clapping...






clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...






clappity-BUMP...






on his heels, the terrified man runs.







Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.








With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.








Bumping and clapping toward him.







The man screams and reaches for something, anything,










but all he can find is a bottle of Robitussin!










Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...








and,





(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)





















The coffin stops!

 

[Dubbaman]

** to be honest i have no fealings for either of the U.S. candidates and im most likely to vote for Donald Duck again this go around so please dont take this as an opinion of politics see it for the humor there is in it **



'Twas the night of elections
And all through the town
Tempers were flaring
Emotions all up and down!

I, in my bathrobe
With a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV
Tired of political crap

When all of a sudden
There arose such a noise
I peered out of my window
Saw Obama and his boys

They had come for my wallet
They wanted my pay
To give to the others
Who had not worked a day!

He snatched up my money
And quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
As I gagged from the stink

He then rallied his henchman
Who were pulling his cart
I could tell they were out
To tear my country apart!
'On Fannie, on Freddie,
On political name, on Ayers!
On ACORN, on Pelosi'
He screamed at the pairs!
They took off for his cause
And he flew out of sight
I heard him laugh at the nation
Who wouldn't stand up and fight!

So I leave you to think
On this one final note--
IF YOU DON'T WANT SOCIALISM
GET OUT and VOTE!!!!