Tell us a joke

[Dubbaman]

After going through a virus attack,
losing a hard drive, fighting off hackers, upgrading all my software, installing fire-walls, being threatened with being cut-off by my email provider, and a host of other problems... I have fixed my computer... and NOW it works exactly the way I want it to!

 

[Dubbaman]

To all my "red-neck" friends and those who just love us. Hope you'all had a great week!
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs , but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)

 

[Hick]

>>
>> > Redneck Man's pick up lines
>> > >
1) Did you fart?
cause you just blew me away

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ...
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you in I were Squirrels,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."



9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon

 

[Hick]

OK ..one more??

Bubba and Cooter go to college

Two fellows, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in
life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history,
and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a
weed-eater?"

"I sure do," answered Bubba.

Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" Bubba responded in awe.

The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard,
you also have a house."

Impressed, Bubba shouted, "GAWL-LEEE!!"

"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself,
logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Sally Mae! This is incredible!" (Bubba is obviously catching on.)

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual" said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard
of. I can't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the
hallway where Cooter is still waiting. So what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history, and logic," replies Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"

 

[Dubbaman]

A distraught senior citizen phoned her
doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the
medication you prescribed has to be taken
for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the
senior lady replied,"I'm wondering, then, just
how serious is my condition because this
prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a
renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia,
he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it? "

"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just
remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come
and live with you and your wife...."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when
you stop lying about your age and start
bragging about it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old guys are pushing their carts around
Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy
says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm
looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying
attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK, it's a
coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I
can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help
you find her. What does she look like?" The
second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is
wearing short shorts. What does your wife
look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."

 

[LoveTheGreen]

your face....just kidding good one huh

 

[Dubbaman]

A woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon ! All he wants is anal sex and my ******* is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a nickel."

Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $1000 a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 cents?"

 

[Dubbaman]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Happy Mental Health day!

 

[tom-tom]

how many guys does it take to change a light bulb???
just 1













HAPPY GROWIN TOM TOM
AND HAPPY NEW YEAR

 

[Hashassin]

so these 3 musketeers all walk into a bar at seperate times
..

the bartender says to the first musketeer
kill that fly
ill give you a beer on the house
the musketeer pulls out his sword..cuts the fly in half
and collects his beer on the house..


the bartender says to the second musketeer
kill that fly
ill give you 4 beers on the house
the musketeer pulls out his sword..cuts the fly in half
and collects his beers on the house

The bartender says to the third musketeer

you hurt that fly more then the other 2 musketeers..all your drinks are on me

the musketeer pulls out his sword..

(sword sound)

the musketeer says ..well looks like all drinks are on you pal

the bartender says ..But hes still flying...

the musketeer then says

ya but he cant screw no more.

 

[umbra]

Actually I think the joke goes like this:

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but...it can take a really long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

 

[Melissa]

what do you call a chick (chicken ) in a shell suit ?


an egg!

 

[Ekoostik_Hookah]

4 gay guys walk into a bar....theres just one Stool left...how do they all sit down???





Turn the Stool upside down.!!


( theres 4 legs on a stool for thoes of you who dont know)

 

[Dr.Dro]

The escaped convict

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound-up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!"
"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice, tight butt!"

Little johnny joke

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"
She calls on little Johnny to answer. He replies, "There are none left - they all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then, Little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and ******* the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking."

Dro:cool2:

 

[umbra]

Little David was in 2nd grade. The teacher was asking everyone what their father did for a living. There were a lot of typical answers. Mechanic, accountant, Policeman, fireman, ect. The teacher noticed little David was very, very quiet. So she asked him, David, what does your father do. He says, my father takes his clothes off in a gay bar, and if the moneys right will go out back with him. The teacher was shocked. She took David to the side and asked if the story was true. David said no, my dad plays football for the Miami Dolphins and I was too embarassed to tell my friends.

 

[Hick]

..."OUCH"..umbra ..

In a small southern town, there was a Nativity Scene that showed great
skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered a
visitor from New Jersey. The three wise men were wearing fireman
helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, the
visitor left.

At a Quik Stop on the edge of town, he asked the lady behind the counter
about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at him, "You darn
Yankees never do read the Bible!" He assured her that he did, but simply
couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible
from behind the counter, ruffled through some pages and finally jabbed her
finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face she said, "See, it says right
here, 'The three wise man came from afar.'"

 

[maverick]

load of blokes at a bucking bronco contest one of the blokes manages to stay on for 10 mins gets of and all his mates said duck me how did you stay on that for so long easy he says my wifes epileptic........

 

[billy_fyshe]

sorry about the language
ive edited as best as i can
but it really is essential to the joke
-----------------------------------
This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town and says, "Where's the god damn, mother f***ing Manager you c*ck s***ing arse wipe." The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken f***ing manager of this b*st*rd joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"F*** off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the f***ing piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"F***ing deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling sh*t, show us your p*ssing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I f***ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to f*** your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a w@nk over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I f*** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her breasts are almost spilling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her gorgeous arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, s****ng suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:
"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I f***ing wrote it!"

 

[maverick]

john and pete two gays spent all day in bed having sex. john saysto pete im going to shop so dont be wan.. king while im away. when he got home there was ..monk on the floor,celing and the walls john says i told u not to bank while i was gone pete says i didnt i ....farted....

 

[billy_fyshe]

1. Two blondes walk into a building... you'ld think at least one of them
would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana,
press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and
heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home" The
doctor says "That sounds like Tom Jone's syndrome" I said "is it
very common?"
He said "...It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look
at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his
teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What?
Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy : "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
Doc : "How's that?"
Guy : "Don't you start..."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

...GROAN