Todays funny

[Dubbaman]

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question. To he first he said, "What was your biggest sin on earth?" and the man replied, "Oh man I just love alcohol and being drunk." So the devil showed the man to a room full of alcohol of every type and description and he put the man inside and said, "See you in 100 years" and locked the door.

To the second man he asked the same question and the man replied, "Oh man, I just love to have sex with the ladies, I was really unfaithful to my wife." So the devil took the man and showed him to a room full of hundreds upon thousands of gorgeous and beautiful naked women. The man ran inside and the devil said, "See you in 100 years" and locked the door.

The third man's answer to the question was "Oh wow man, I just LOVE weed! Im high all the time man and I can't live without it!" The devil showed the man to a room packed with the most amazing grade-A bud you've ever seen, stacked to the roof! The man went inside and the devil locked the door after saying, "See you in 100 years."

100 years later the devil came by to let the three men out. He opened the door to the first man's room and found the man collapsed on the ground, passed out with empty bottles laying around him and puke all over him. He was a mess.

The devil opened the 2nd man's door and the man came running out of the room and cried "IM GAY! IM GAY!"

Finally the devil came to the third man's room and opened the door. Sitting in the middle of all the bud, in the exact same position the devil had left him in was the man. He looked up at the devil and with a single tear rolling down his cheek he asked, "Hey man, got a light?"

 

[Dubbaman]

A young man finds the woman of his dreams and asks her to marry him. He tells his mother he wants her to meet his fiance, but he wants to make a game out of it.

He says he'll introduce his mother to three women and see if she can guess which one he wants to marry. His mother agrees to go along with the game.

That night, he shows up at his mother's house with three beautiful young ladies. They all sit down on the couch, and everyone has a wonderful evening talking and getting to know each other.

At the end of the evening, the young man asks his mother: "OK, Mom, which one is the woman I want to marry?"

Without any hesitation at all, his mother replies: "The one in the middle."

The young man is astounded. "How in the world did you figure it out?"

"Easy... I don't like her."

 

[Dubbaman]

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer. After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust.

The dealer tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.

A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word.

Emboldened, he slips his hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.

Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex.

Still no one speaks. By now he is thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket, reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

And the father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

 

[HippyInEngland]

The Love Dress


A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on
the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and
the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law
explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this
dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me
for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic
CD, and laid on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw
her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

 

[Dubbaman]

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water Floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu All winter.'

 

[Dubbaman]

A is for Alimony ... the gift that keeps on giving.
B is for Balls ... which are now ours again.
C is for Court ... where you finally find out the meaning of a good screw.
D is for Divorce ... the alternative to ax murder.
E is for Equitable Distribution ... another oxymoron.
F is for Flatulence ... finally we can let loose without being criticized for causing the flowers to wilt.
G is for Gandhi...someone you could actually say had lost weight without having to lie.
H is for House ... which the ***** also got.
I is for Inmate ... where you also get to room with Bubba when the child support is late.
J is for Jewelry ... the former great equalizer.
K is for Kids ... the best of everything.
L is for Lawyer ... whose most recent vacation you just paid for.
M is for Mother ... and Oh what a Mother Fricker!
N is for Not tonight, I have a headache.
O is for Overdrawn ... what your checking account always was.
P is for PMS ... what we say: "No, honey, you don't look like you're retaining water." ...what we mean, "No wonder there's a citywide drought."
Q is for Quarter ... what YOU get for each dollar SHE gets.
R is for Rehearsal Dinner ... should never have stayed for dessert.
S is for Sex ... thank goodness she rolled in her sleep.
T is for Throat ... the anatomic area she goes for in the settlement.
U is for UPS ... the delivery guy you are on a first name basis with, and who spent more time at your house than you did.
V is for Visa ... one of several cards she maxed out.
W is for Wrong ... which you always were.
X is for X chromosome ... I swear some women have more than two!
Y is for Yacht ... maybe the next guy will have one.
Z is for Zirconium ... I wonder if she ever figured out that all her diamonds were Cubic Zirconium.

*EDIT* it was brought to my attention that the bad word filters are not working . To all the women of this site there is no disrespect ment to you in any way for this posting and any if not all of these can be turned toward a man when going through a breakup or divorce too. Next up the A,B,C's of ex Husbands

 

[Dubbaman]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them. The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike..'

 

[oltomnoddy]

"Anyone with needs to be prayed over, come forward, to the front at the altar," the Preacher says.
Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you."
Leroy replies: "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays a blue streak for Leroy.
After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't til next Wednesday!"

 

[Dubbaman]

City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:____________________
Gang:________________________

1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

 

[frankcos]

Not sure if this has been posted but here goes..

Q.What do you do with 365 used condoms?

A.Melt them down, make a tire and call it a GOODYEAR.

 

[IRISH]

did you hear about the coed who had two chances to get pregnant?



she blew it both times...

 

[IRISH]

Mr King Ford. . what happens when a lawyer takes viagra?


he grows taller... ...

 

[IRISH]

what has 75 balls, and screws old ladies?

BINGO... ...
>>>///

 

[SmokinMom]

what has 75 balls, and screws old ladies?

BINGO... ...
>>>///

Bad irish! LMAO!

This pic always cracks me up.

 

[SmokinMom]

And...

 

[ArtVandolay]

A doctor on his morning walk, noticed an older lady with a crown sitting on her front step smoking a cigar, so he walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look! What is your secret?"
​

​

​

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels every week, and eat only junk food. On weekends, I pop pills, get laid, and don't exercise at all."​

"That is absolutely amazing! How old are you?"​

"Thirty-four," she replied.​

 

[oltomnoddy]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this". She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says "The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?"
The blonde says, "I put the dog in our backyard, let's see how THEY like it!
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Two Blondes With Hammers...
Lynn and Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Judy got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They had gone to see 'Closed for the Winter.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
You might have to think twice about this one.
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off... 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.
'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?'
'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, and
then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants..
I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'
'So then?' asked the doctor.
'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.0 0 to get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'
'So then?'
'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A blonde was shopping at Target and came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.
The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos...... It keeps hot things hot, And cold things cold.'
'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?
'Why, that's a thermos..... It keeps hot things hot and cold things Cold,' she replied..
Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'
The blond replied..... ...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'
++++++++++++
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the matter?'
The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and rest.'
'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here.'
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out from his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?' he asks.
'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother died, too!

:hubba:​

 

[Dubbaman]

Not sure if this has been posted but here goes..

Q.What do you do with 365 used condoms?

A.Melt them down, make a tire and call it a GOODYEAR.

But what is there to do with 366 used profolactic's??

The same thing but call it a LEAPYEAR :rofl:

 

[Dubbaman]

Police have confiscated approximately 6700 marijuana plants that were growing on land that was a part of a Girl Scout Summer Camp. As a result, prices for the popular Girl Scout Mintijuana Cookies are expected to triple next year.

 

[TexasMonster]

Little Johnny is sitting on a curb with a cup and a spoon. Behind him is a pharmacy. Along comes the pharmacist. He sees Little Johnny sitting there on the curb with his spoon and cup and sees Little Johnny is steady stirring. He looks at Little Johnny and says "Hey Little Johnny, what do you have there?" Little Johnny looks at him and says "Chicken **** and water." The Pharmacist then ask Little Johnny "whatcha gonna make?" Little Johnny says "I think I am going to me a pharmacist" Well this makes the Pharmacist angry and he opens up his store for business and goes inside to run the store.

Along comes the Mailman. He looks and sees Little Johnny and says to Little Johnny "Whatcha got Little Johnny?" Little Johnny looks up at him and says "Chicken **** and water". The Mailman then ask Little Johnny "Whatcha gonna make Little Johnny?" Little Johnny looks up at the Mailman and says "I think I am going to make a Mailman". Well this pisses the Mailman off and he goes inside the pharmacy to deliver the mail.

Along comes a Correctional Officer who notices Little Johnny. The Correctional Office is used to seeing weird stuff so he goes right on by Little Johnny into the store to shop for his daily supply of vaginal cream. While looking for his vaginal cream he overhears the Pharmacist and the Mailman talking about what a jerk Little Johnny is. The Correctional Officer says to himself that he will go outside and fix Little Johnny for good. So he goes outside and says "Little Johnny, what in the heck do you think you have there?" Little Johnny looks up at the Correctional Officer timidly and says "Chicken **** and water". Then the Correctional Officer says to Little Johnny "I suppose your are going to tell me you are going to make a Correctional Officer?" Little Johnny looks him dead in the eys and says "Nope, I aint got enough Chicken ****"


not part of the joke. Do not tell this joke to a correctional officer in front of the rest of the inmates. That joke cost me 15 days extra in the hole for telling it to a Captain when he came into our bull pen.