Todays funny

[Dubbaman]

New Treatment For Sunburn -

A guy fell asleep on the beach for Several hours And got horrible sunburn, Specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being
diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed Continuous intravenous feeding With saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied,
'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his
legs.'

 

[Dubbaman]

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

 

[Dubbaman]

During a visit to a mental institution, the visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand." said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

[Dubbaman]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.


An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.


Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room. "What's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"


The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?

 

[Dubbaman]

MY NEXT LIFE!
I want to live my next life backwards:
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.

Then you get kicked out for being too healthy,
enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.

Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're
generally promiscuous. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid,
you play, and you have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxurious,
spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.

 

[CasualGrower]

HAHAHA I love that one )

 

[KGB30]

Dude your killing me .

 

[BBFan]

Hey Dubbaman- sorry to cut in on your thread but I got one for ya:
Two old stoners, a husband and wife, start having trouble with their memory, so they go to their doctor. The doctor tells them there’s not much he can do for them but suggests that they write things down to help them remember things.

That evening, after sparking one up, they’re sitting in the living room watching TV. The husband gets up and heads towards the kitchen.

The wife asks, “Where are you going?”

The husband replies, “I’m going to the kitchen to get a bowl of ice cream.”

The wife says “Shouldn’t you write that down, you know what the doctor said.”

The husband replies, “I’m just going to the kitchen to get a bowl of ice cream, I don’t need to write that down.”

The wife says, “Well, can you get me a bowl too?”

The husband replies, “Sure.”

The wife says, “Can you put some whipped cream on that for me?”

The husband replies, “Sure.”

The wife suggests “Shouldn’t you write that down?”

The husband replies, “Look, I’m getting a bowl of ice cream for myself and a bowl with whipped cream for you, I can remember that.”

The wife adds, “Can you also put a cherry on mine? You know, you should really write that down.”

The husband, getting a little irate, replies, “A bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top, I got it, I don’t need to write it down, and heads into the kitchen.”

Twenty minutes later the husband comes back from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

The wife says, “You see, I told you that you should have written it down, you forgot my toast!”

 

[Dubbaman]

hxxp://youtube.com/watch?v=2rv9b-9qBIc

 

[Dubbaman]

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
He
had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells
would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and
even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

[Dubbaman]

IRS Refund Checks
How to use Your IRS Rebate check...
As you may have heard, each of us will be getting a tax rebate check to stimulate the economy.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China
If we spend it on gasoline, it will go to the Arabs.
If we purchase a computer, it will go to India
If we purchase fruits and vegetables it will go to Honduras and Guatemala.
If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan.
If we purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan ; And none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America. The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it at yard sales. Since those are the only businesses left owned by Americans !!

 

[Dubbaman]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'

Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shiXXing in the bed

 

[Dubbaman]

The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather
dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

'May I help you sir?" she asked.

'I want to see Valerie,' the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else', said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man
calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see
Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in
a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts. The price was still $5000

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, 'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?'.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario .'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She
asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

 

[Dubbaman]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.”
The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers......those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut them all up when he observes: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.......There’re no guts, no heart, no brains and no spine, and the head and the butt are interchangeable.'

 

[Dubbaman]

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.

Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled filet of camel ***!!!

 

[Dubbaman]

Fifty Years of Math 1957 - 2008

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The countergirl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? ; Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2008
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

 

[Dubbaman]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician
asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She
points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already
wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She
gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it
costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this
cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very
grateful. How much did you spend?" To her astonishment, the blonde
mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," she
says. "No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that
exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So--------








I just switched the heads."

 

[Dubbaman]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

 

[juicebox]

the farm one is great...

 

[Puffin Afatty]

:rofl: