Hick
Git "R" lit
- Joined
- Apr 19, 2005
- Messages
- 12,839
- Reaction score
- 12,639
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that> sparked my interest. Had something "romantic" as a V-day gift in mind. What I came > across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of > the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse > affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to > safety. WAY TOO COOL!> Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.> I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.> Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the > button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd > get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the > prongs.??> AWESOME!!!?> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain what that burn spot is> on the face of her microwave!> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that> it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?! !??> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently> (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking> that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving> target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going> to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did> want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong???> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading> glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one> hand, and taser in another.> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and Disorient> your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle Spasms> and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would> reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of > water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the > batteries.? ? All the while I'm looking at this little device > measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty > cute really and (loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy, AAA batteries) thinking to> myself, 'no possible way!'??> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my> best...> I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one> side as to say, 'don't do it *******,' reasoning that a one- second> burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I > decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I > touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and...> HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!> I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up> in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and > over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the > fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples > on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under > my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs!> The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard> before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it > again, stupid, do it again!' > Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one> note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you> zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged> from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A > three-second burst would be considered conservative.
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at> that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and> surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of > the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh > and both nipples were still twitching My face felt like it had been > shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.> I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward> for their safe return!!> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!> If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid
