God and The Scientist

[KaptainKronic]

A Mexican Love story...

Maria a beautiful Latina fell in love with Jose. She planned to
marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided
to tell her papa.

Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another. Your Madre
does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother".

So, Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry
Ricardo.

But after telling papa again, he said, "Maria otra vez there's
trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo, mi hija. Please don't tell your
mother, but Ricardo and Jose are your half-brothers."

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and
said, "Mi hija, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose,
because you are not related to Papa."

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL LOVE
STORY...




​

 

[KaptainKronic]

Management: how to classify new employees....

1. Put 400 bricks in a room.

2. Put your new employees in the room with the bricks and close the
door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation :

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting
Department.

b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.

c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put
them in Engineering.

d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put
them in Planning.

e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in
Operations.

f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.

g. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.

h. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has
been moved, congratulate them and put them in top
Management

 

[Homemadegravity]

you might be a pot head it
1 you wear sun glasses at night so you can see better
2 you have acctually put out a fire with bong water
3 the term "hydro" does not mean water
4 you have an usual parking space outside your local head shop
5 you have a name for your 3 bongs 2 pipes one of which was made by you
6 you know your measurements from grams to ounces by heart
7 your best friends are your dealer and your roller
8 you sell your car for gas money
9 after reading this list you have done most if not all
10 if you respect 4:20 to a religious value
11 if you sue your employer for not getting holiday pay on april 20th
12 if glass blowing was your minor and herbology was your major.....please e-mail me we need to chat

 

[Mutt]

h. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has
been moved, congratulate them and put them in top
Management

:rofl:

 

[Homemadegravity]

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.
The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.

He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.
The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"​

 

[Homemadegravity]

Confucious Quotes
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
Man who smoke pot choke on handle.
Man who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.
Man who have women on ground have piece on earth.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Take many nails to make a crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who go to bed with itchy *** wake up with sticky fingers

 

[Homemadegravity]

What’s the difference between a drunk and a stoner?


A drunk drives through the stop sign... a stoner waits for it to turn green.

 

[Rdrose]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought th is answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!"

 

[upinarms]

Damn you guys are good ....:yay:
:doh: I should have had a V8

 

[Homemadegravity]

Three stoners are sitting around smoking a joint. One says, "I am going to go take a bath."
He goes upstairs to the bathroom, fills up the bathtub, starts to get in the bathtub and then stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Hmmmmm, am I getting in or am I getting out?" So he sits there and thinks about it.

The second one says, "Well, he's been up there for awhile, I better go check on him." When he gets halfway upstairs he stops for a moment, and thinks to himself, "Am I going upstairs or am I going downstairs?" He stays there and thinks about it.

The third guy says, "I hope I never get blasted as much as those two, knock on wood!" So he knocks on the table and says, "Was that the front door or the back door?"

 

[Homemadegravity]

There was a super genius and a stoner sitting on a bench waiting for a bus. The genius gets bored, leans over to the stoner and says, " Hey I tell you what, I'll ask you a question and if you don't know the answer you have to give me five bucks. If you ask me a question and I don't know the answer I have to give you 50 bucks." The stoner says, "Alright, man."
The genius asks the stoner, "What is the Pythagorian Theory?" The stoner replies, "I don't know" and hands the genius five bucks. "Okay," the stoner says, "What has three legs going up a hill and four legs going down?" The genius thinks hard and finally gives up. He hands the stoner 50 bucks then asks, "So what is the answer?" The stoner says, "I don't know," and hands the genius five bucks

 

[Homemadegravity]

Q. How many potheads does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three. Two to take it out, and one to figure out how to get high off the old one...

Q. How do you know when you've smoked too much?
A. When the most difficult decision crossing your mind is determining whether your eyes are:

a) open

b) shut

c) false

d) none of the above

 

[Homemadegravity]

Weed Quality Test
1. (Yes or No) Would you rather be or a log?

_ Yes

_ No

2. (True or False) How high is the Empire State Building?

_ True

_ False

If you answered any of these questions then your weed is of good quality

 

[Homemadegravity]

A stoner goes around to his girlfriend's place to see what she's doing that night. "I've planned a French night for us, darling," she says.
"A French night? What's that?"

"First I cook a French meal, then we watch a French movie, then we make French lerve."

The stoner asks if there's anything he can do to help prepare for the evening. "Well, you could go down to the deli and get the escargot." (Snails, for the stupid among us.)

"Cool," he says, then heads off to the deli.

On the way though he bumps into a friend who's just had some luck.

"Man, you've gotta come 'round to my place. I've got some wicked buds!"

"Naw, I've gotta go and buy these snails for my girlfriend."

"Come on man, you don't know what your missin'!"

"Well a couple of cones won't hurt, will they?"

The stoner goes round to his pal's place and has a few cones, then a few spliffs, then some cookies, etc, etc. Finally he looks up and sees that it's ten o'clock and thinks, "****, I've go to my girl's place", and bolts home.

As he's walking down her street he thinks he better sneak up and see how pissed off she is. Escargot in hand, he tiptoes up the driveway, until he trips, spilling the snails all over the place.

The porch light snaps on and his girl bursts through the front door. Straight away she starts screaming, "Where have you been! Dinner's burnt and you've been gone for four hours!"

The stoner looks up at her. Then back at the gate. Then he looks at the snails on the driveway and says, "Come on fellas, keep moving! We're almost there!"

 

[Homemadegravity]

Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking.
Women with cold hands would give men prostate exams.
PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.
Men would get reputations for sleeping around.
Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pockets.
A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because he is breathing.
Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard would increase by 40 pounds.
Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.
"Ms." Magazine would have an annual swimsuit issue featuring scantily clad male models.
Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime.
Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard for none of the credit.
Little girls would read "Snow White and the Seven Hunks."
Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap operas.
Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because there would be no pictures.
Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry," " I love you," "You're beautiful," "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

 

[Homemadegravity]

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."​

 

[Homemadegravity]

Questions?

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you take a Oriental person and spin him around several times,
does he become disoriented?

Is it OK to use the AM radio after noon?

What do chickens think we taste like?

What do people in China call their good plates?

What do you call a male ladybug?

What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald
man?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time
it was to set it to?

Which is the other side of the street?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don't they call mustaches "mouthbrows?"

 

[Homemadegravity]

Test your IQ with the question below:

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?

Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer...answer is on the next reply down

 

[Homemadegravity]

I.Q. Test Answer......

He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.

 

[Homemadegravity]

Only In America

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to
describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.