Todays funny

[raoulduke2.0]

2 blondes are walking in the woods. One stops and points to the ground. "Look! Bear tracks! How scary!"

The other blonde raises an eyebrow and replies, "Those aren't bear tracks those are raccoon tracks! There are no bears in Arkansas silly!"

ANd they continued to argue until the train hit them.

 

[raoulduke2.0]

2 flies are sitting on a piece of poo. One of them rips a fart and the other says " Hey! I'm eating here!".

 

[ArtVandolay]

A blonde was flying from Chicago to New York, her first time flying. When she boarded the plane, she sat down in the first available seat. The stewardess asked to see her ticket and said to the blonde this is a coach ticket and you're sitting in first class, you need to move to the back of the plane. The blonde looked back at the coach section and said I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to sit in one of these big seats. They began to argue, so loud that the pilot heard them and came back to see what was going on. When the stewardess explained the problem, the pilot said "I'll handle this, my wife is a blonde". So he leaned over, whispered in the blonde's ear and the blonde said Oh, why didn't you say so and moved to the back of the plane. The stewardess said to the pilot I'm really impressed, what did you say to her?

The pilot said I told her first class wasn't going to New York.

 

[Dubbaman]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.

The bartender approaches and says, 'We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.'

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.


The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, 'We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.'




The bear, very angry now, says, 'If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.'

The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings '





The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.





The bartender states, 'Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.'





The bear says, 'I'm NOT on drugs.'

........You're gonna love this........



The bartender says, 'You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.'

 

[IRISH]

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of
fire during the night.

:rofl: ...

10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

:rofl: 'Lest we forget :rofl:



16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they
found Jesus in the manager.

:rofl: was she a blonde?:rofl:


17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

:doh: ostpicsworthless: ...

 

[Dubbaman]

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
"cybersex".
Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy.
However, as you'll
see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an
online chat doesn't seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...Maybe she was told in advance he did not get into the "CYBER SEX" thing.....and yet she persisted.......

DamnH1pp1e: All right I'll bite, LilFiery69.
What do you look like?

LilFiery69: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I'm 5ft, I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect.
My measurements
are 34-20-28.
What do you look like?

DamnH1pp1e: I'm 6'4" and about 200 pounds.
I wear glasses and I have on
a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from WalMart.
I'm also wearing a
T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.


LilFiery69: I want you.
Would you like to screw me?

DamnH1pp1e: OK

LilFiery69: We're in my bedroom.
There's soft music playing on the
stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.
I'm looking up into
your eyes, smiling.
My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to
fondle your huge, swelling bulge.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.


LilFiery69: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.


DamnH1pp1e: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.


LilFiery69: I'm moaning softly.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.


LilFiery69: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.
The cool silk
slides off my warm skin.
I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and
rubbing.


DamnH1pp1e: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a
hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.


DamnH1pp1e: I'll pay for it.


LilFiery69: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra.
My
soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.
I think it's
stuck.
Do you have any scissors?

LilFiery69: I take your hand and kiss it softly.
I'm reaching back
undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body.
The air caresses my
breasts. My nipples are erect for you.


DamnH1pp1e: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting
the clasp.


LilFiery69: I'm arching my back. Oh baby.
I just want to feel your
tongue all over me.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm dropping the bra.
Now I'm licking your, you know,
breasts.
They're neat!

LilFiery69: I'm running my fingers through your hair.
Now I'm
nibbling your ear.


DamnH1pp1e: I suddenly sneeze.
Your breasts are covered with spit and
phlegm.


LilFiery69: What?

DamnH1pp1e: I'm so sorry. Really.


LilFiery69: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of
my blouse.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you.
I drop it with
a plop.


LilFiery69: OK.
I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your
hard tool.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm screaming like a woman.
Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

LilFiery69: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm pulling off your panties.
My tongue is going all over,
in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.


LilFiery69: What's the matter?

DamnH1pp1e: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.


LilFiery69: Are you OK?

DamnH1pp1e: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.


LilFiery69: Can I help?

DamnH1pp1e: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly.
I'm fumbling
through the cabinets, looking for a cup.
Where do you keep your cups?
LilFiery69: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.


LilFiery69: Come back to me, lover.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm washing the cup now.


LilFiery69: I'm on the bed aching for you.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet.

And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost.

Where's the bedroom?

LilFiery69: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.


DamnH1pp1e: I found it.


LilFiery69: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning.
I want you so
badly.


DamnH1pp1e: Me too.


LilFiery69: Your pants are off.
I kiss you passionately - our naked
bodies pressing each other.


DamnH1pp1e: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.


LilFiery69: Why don't you take off your glasses?

DamnH1pp1e: OK, but I can't see very well without them.
I place the
glasses on the night table.


LilFiery69: I'm bending over the bed.
Give it to me, baby!

DamnH1pp1e: I have to pee.
I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room
and toward the bathroom.


LilFiery69: Hurry back, lover.


DamnH1pp1e: I find the bathroom and it's dark.
I'm feeling around for
the toilet. I lift the lid.


LilFiery69: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm done going.
I'm feeling around for the flush handle,
but I can't find it.
Uh-oh!

LilFiery69: What's the matter now?

DamnH1pp1e: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper.

Sorry again.
I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my
way.


LilFiery69: Mmm, yes. Come on.


DamnH1pp1e: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in
your...you know...woman' s thing.


LilFiery69: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

DamnH1pp1e: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice.
I kiss
your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.


LilFiery69: I'm moving my *** back and forth, moaning.
I can't stand
it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

DamnH1pp1e: I'm flaccid.


LilFiery69: What?

DamnH1pp1e: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection for some Cybershit that aint real.

.

LilFiery69: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look
on my face.


DamnH1pp1e: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all
floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.


LilFiery69: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed.
I'm putting on my
underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.


DamnH1pp1e: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table.

I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray,
picture frames and your candles.


LilFiery69: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.


DamnH1pp1e: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on.
My God! One of
our candles fell on the curtain.
The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing
at it, a shocked look on my face.


LilFiery69: Go to hell.
I'm logging off, you loser!

DamnH1pp1e: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

LilFiery69: (logged off)

Perhaps she should have listened the first time DamnH1pp1e told her he did not get into it unless it was real?

 

[HippyInEngland]

A little boy asks his Father where Poo comes from, his father a little hesitant thinks to himself its perfectly natural to be asked a question like this from a young curious mind so starts to explain ....

The father explains that food passes down the oesophagus and enters the stomach where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the elementary canal to extract protein before waste products descend via the colon and rectum to emerge as 'Poo'.

Blimey says the little boy, so where the hell does Tigger come from?

 

[ArtVandolay]

THE WEDDING NIGHT

​

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back ​

to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together ​

​

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. ​

​

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred ​

and Mary are up yet. ​

​

She replies, 'No'. ​

​

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?' ​

​

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to ​

school.' ​

​

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?' ​

​

She replies, 'No.' ​

​

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?' ​

​

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back ​

to school .' ​

​

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up ​

yet?' ​

​

His mom says, 'No.' ​

​

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?' ​

​

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think.' ​

​

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think... ​

​

I gave him my airplane glue. ​

 

[ArtVandolay]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it
was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

 

[samiam7]

HA,HA,HA dubba smoehow, I think there was some full moons to be seen over the pond that nite in LA.

 

[Dubbaman]

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Missouri Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, 'So y'all want to be cops, huh?'
The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, 'To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth.'

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

Now,' he said, 'did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?'

The blonde immediately said, 'Yes, I did. He has only one eye!'

The detective shook his head and said, 'Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!'

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, said, 'What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?'

'Yes! He only has one ear!'

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, 'Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!'

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, 'This is probably a waste of time, but... 'He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, 'All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?'

The blonde said, 'I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.'

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, 'You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?'

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, 'Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses.'

 

[Dubbaman]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, 'YOU'RE NEXT'.

They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

[Dubbaman]

Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."

Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."

"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?" he said.

"Lord-it's 2008 and Ive's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers?"

Ole says, "How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up?"

 

[FourTwenty]

lol

 

[cuy103]

A new intern working at a law firm has the hots for the receptionist.

He talks to her everyday and really wants to have sex with her, that's all he wants.

Everyday he asks her, "You're really hot and I just want to have sex with you. Will you have sex with me?"

Everyday she says "NO!"

So one day he comes up with a proposition.
He tells her "I'll make a deal with you. I'll give you $100 dollars if you have sex with me. I'll put the money on the table and once you grab it, we'll stop"

She thinks about it. "If I pick up the money REALLY fast we don't have to have sex..." She thinks about it some more and calls her boyfriend. She tells him the deal and the boyfriend says "$100! That's it?!? Do it for $500! Give me a call back and let me know how it goes!" So she makes the deal.

45 minutes pass and she calls her boyfriend. Puzzled, the boyfriend asks "What the hell took so long?"

The receptionist, panting and gasping, for air said "The bastard had all quarters!"

 

[Dubbaman]

It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went.
At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. "Hmmm.," he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no time."

He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust.

"Yep, it's working," he concluded.

The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order, and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be on your end!"

 

[Dubbaman]

We all have our limits.............One day a fourth-grade teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living.All the typical answers
came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and
so forth.However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so
when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,

"My father's an
exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of
other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is
really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for
money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside
to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?""No," the boy said,
"He plays for the Cleveland Browns, but I was too embarrassed to say
that in front of the other kids."

 

[Dubbaman]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries


the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and
says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Susie is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!'


The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the
closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked
and cowering on the closet floor.

'You rotten thing you, she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

 

[Dubbaman]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

 

[Puffin Afatty]

We all have our limits.............One day a fourth-grade teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living.All the typical answers
came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and
so forth.However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so
when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied,

"My father's an
exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of
other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is
really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for
money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside
to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?""No," the boy said,
"He plays for the Cleveland Browns, but I was too embarrassed to say
that in front of the other kids."

:rofl: