Todays funny

[lisa]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out
of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at
the
young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her
robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The
poor
kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to
my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm
and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered ...."Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.........That was me."

I could laugh no more as it has made me already laugh so much.

 

[lisa]

Hung Chow calls into
work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache,
stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes
everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great.
I be at work soon..... You got nice house.'

OMG! Excellent!

 

[lisa]

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ......Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters,
'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.'
I looked at her and said, Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Oh God! It was really funny.

 

[lisa]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"She asked.
"Hunting Flies"He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked."How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone."

Enjoyed it.

 

[lisa]

The first old woman told the second old woman that sometimes she gets her husband excited at night by getting totally naked, lying in bed and
putting both legs behind her head, yoga style.

The second old woman thought that this was a great idea, so that night when her husband went in the bathroom to get ready for bed; she got totally naked and began the process of putting her legs behind her head.

The first leg was kind of tough to put in place as she was a bit arthritic. However, she finally got it in place.

She had an even tougher time with the second leg, so she rocked herself backwards until she finally got it behind her head.

However, she had rocked just a little too hard so that she flipped slightly backwards and got stuck with her butt sticking straight up in the air. It was just then that her husband came out of the bathroom.


'Gladys!' he exclaimed.' For heaven¹s sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in .... You look like an arsehole.'

It was a height!

 

[Hick]

...hee hee

 

[HippyInEngland]

There once was an Indian who had only
one testicle




and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He
hated that





name and asked everyone not to call him
Onestone.








After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally





cracked and said,' If anyone calls me
Onestone






again I will kill them!'








The word got around and nobody called






him that any more.







Then one day a young woman named Blue
Bird






forgot and said, 'Good morning,
Onestone.' He






jumped up, grabbed her and took her
deep into






the forest where he made love to her all
day and






all night. He made love to her all the
next day,






until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.







The word got around that Onestone meant
what






he promised he would do. Years went by
and no






one dared call him by his given name
until A woman






named Yellow Bird returned to the
village after being






away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's
cousin, was






overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She
hugged him






and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'








Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into
the forest,









then he made love to her all day, made
love to her all






night, made love to her all the next
day, made love to






her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!




Why ???










Everyone knows...





You can't kill Two Birds





with OneStone !!!

 

[ArtVandolay]

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

 

[ArtVandolay]

She was Sooooooooooooo blonde....


She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care centre.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here",
she wrote Sagittarius.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because
it said, "Concentrate".
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said,
"Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood
for "This Goes In Front"

 

[HippyInEngland]

OK its not a joke, but I still found it funny



General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio.

It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

 

[Dubbaman]

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun?!

'What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

 

[ArtVandolay]

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid! ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________

And the best for last: ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

 

[nikimadritista]

Hey I recently quit smoking (cigarettes) And I'm also off Alcohol (beer)...
And you know they say you live longer if you don't smoke or drink...
The truth is - YOU DON'T!
It just feels like it...

 

[Dubbaman]

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator. 'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your Front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They're retired prostitutes, they're having a yard sale.'

 

[Puffin Afatty]

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER


Fresh from Her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to Her husband that Her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling Her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds".

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" She asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," Her husband replies.

She stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man

 

[Hick]

Tough Love vs. Spanking - Good Argument

Most of the American populace thinks it improper

to spank children, so I have tried other methods

to control my kids when they have one of 'those

moments.'

One that I found effective is for me to just take

the child for a car ride and talk.

Some say it's the vibration from the car, others

say it's the time away from any distractions such

as TV, Video Games, Computer, IPod, etc.

Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop

misbehaving after our car ride together. Eye to

eye contact helps a lot too.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions

with my son, in case you would like to use the

technique.

This works with grandchildren,
nieces, and nephews as well.

 

[TURKEYNECK]

I posted this in another thread before i saw this,but what the hey...too funny!

If guns kill people,then..pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons made Rosie O'Donnell fat! :rofl:

 

[lisa]

There once was an Indian who had only
one testicle




and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He
hated that





name and asked everyone not to call him
Onestone.








After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally





cracked and said,' If anyone calls me
Onestone






again I will kill them!'








The word got around and nobody called






him that any more.







Then one day a young woman named Blue
Bird






forgot and said, 'Good morning,
Onestone.' He






jumped up, grabbed her and took her
deep into






the forest where he made love to her all
day and






all night. He made love to her all the
next day,






until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.







The word got around that Onestone meant
what






he promised he would do. Years went by
and no






one dared call him by his given name
until A woman






named Yellow Bird returned to the
village after being






away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's
cousin, was






overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She
hugged him






and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'








Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into
the forest,









then he made love to her all day, made
love to her all






night, made love to her all the next
day, made love to






her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't die!




Why ???










Everyone knows...





You can't kill Two Birds





with OneStone !!!

OMG! I had a great laugh.

 

[Dubbaman]

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?

A . They don't have balls to scratch!

 

[HippyInEngland]

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'.

That's why we have Molly The Camel.'

The Captain says, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No not really, sir... They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are.'