Joke of the Day

[StoneyBud]

I think the original thread got lost with the server crash, so here is it again.


To start it off:


Nymphomaniac Convention


A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

 

[v35b]

oldy but goody.

 

[Jericho]

These were entries for a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line and least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.

I love your smile, your face, your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

My love, you take my breath away.
But what have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell!"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

 

[v35b]

:rofl:

 

[Irish]

a man goes to the dr with a very bad sunburn.
the dr prescribes viagra.
''i did'nt realize viagra was a treatment for sunburn doc''
''it is'nt says the dr. but it will stop the sheets from hurting your legs''...

 

[Time4Plan-B]

Hey they had me laughing well funny dudes
T4

 

[frankcos]

Q.What do you do with 365 used condoms??


A. Melt them down, mold a tire, and call it a GOOD YEAR!

 

[StoneyBud]

Dang Frankcos, that's gonna be a tiny little tire.....hahahahahahaa

It would be a hell of a year tho'. :hubba:

 

[nova564t]

I heard this from a Jewish friend so dont call me racist!!

Jewish dilemma: Pork on sale!

 

[ArtVandolay]

Did you hear about the two blondes that froze to death at the drive-in?

They went to see Closed For The Winter

 

[nova564t]

:rofl: :rofl:

 

[Jericho]

A blonde was speeding on the highway when a police car pulled her over.

The policeman walks up to the blonde and says "Excuse m'am, could I please see your driving license and registration."

The blonde looks at the policeman angrily and says "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

 

[ArtVandolay]

Two blondes walked into a building.

You'd think one of them would have seen it.

 

[benamucc]

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .







"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

[v35b]

:rofl: :rofl:

 

[Irish]

lmao ben.

how can you tell a blind man in a nudist colony?
it's not hard...

boyfriend; ''why do you never scream my name when you have an orgasm''?
blonde; ''because you are never there''...:doh:

 

[StoneyBud]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off, so, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy', and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a few days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker followed me, the Boss asked her, '. . And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't get any work done in the dark.'

 

[Irish]

a man is walking down the street when a prostitute approaches him.
"for $200 i'll perform any act for you'', she tells him,
''provided that you can describe the act in three words''.

the man thinks about the offer for less than a moment,
and gives the woman $200.

''ok, tell me what you want me to do,
but remember, only in three words'', she tells him.

the man, who has been quiet throughout the exchange says,
''paint my house''...

 

[nova564t]

When John Stamos was asked if he was contacted by Two and a half men producers to replace Charlie Sheen he said "no, but Martin Sheen called and asked if I could replace him as his son":rofl: :rofl: :laugh:

 

[nova564t]

:bump: C'mon people, got any more? :bump: