Joke of the Day

[StoneyBud]

[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" [/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif][/FONT]
[FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."[/FONT]

 

[nova564t]

:rofl: Now thats funny!!

 

[SensiStarFan]

Question: What's the difference between Mexican schwag weed and a bucket of ****?......Give up?

Answer: The bucket

 

[SensiStarFan]

Obama is down in Houston giving a speech for his upcoming re-election campagin. Having some free time one day, he has his driver find a nice barber shop and goes in for a trim and shave. It just so happens former president George Bush is there as well getting a haircut and a shave. Both men sit silently the entire time, not wanting to speak to each other and only nodding at their barber's comments. After a terse 20 minutes Obama is finished first and while brushing the loose hairs from his clothing the barber asks Obama, "Would you like some aftershave?"

Obama responds, "No thank you. My wife says that stuff makes me smell like I have been in a brothel".

Without hesitation Bush jumps in, "You can use some on me. My wife has no idea what the inside of a brothel smells like".

 

[OldHippieChick]

Charlie Sheen (nuff said) :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

 

[frankcos]

Q. What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt?
A: A pothole..


Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken


Q: What do you call a pot smoker with two spliffs?
A: Double jointed.


Q: How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?
A: When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.


Q: How do fish party ?
A: Seaweed.

 

[meetmrfist2]

3 pregnant women are waiting to see the maturnity doctor and are sitting around in the waiting room just talking and such,one woman is bragging that she knows she is going to have a boy because she was told if she was on top durring sex that is most likely to happen....one of the other woman states that she will definatly have a baby girl because she likes to be on the bottom when she makes love....the 3rd girl suddenly breaks down in sobbing tears....they ask her what in the world is the matter and she replies "you are having a boy,and you are having a little girl and I will probably end up with a whole litter.....

 

[givinitatry]

Little Johnny 20 questions





One day in school, the teacher decides to play 20 questions.
So the teacher says "OK kids, I am thinking of something round, and red"
Little Suzy pipes up "I know, it's a tomato".
"No but you're thinking, it's an apple" replies the teacher.
So Little Johnny stands up, places his hand in his pocket and says "I am holding onto something that is round, hard, and has a head on it"
"Go to the principals office" says the teacher.
"No but you're thinking", say Johnny, "It's a quarter"

 

[ozzydiodude]

"Insider's Guide to the Male Vocabulary"


"Haven't I seen you before?" = "Nice butt."

"I'm a Romantic." = "I'm poor."

"I need you." = "My hand is tired."

"I am different from all the other guys." = "I am not circumcised."

"I want a commitment." = "I'm sick of playing with myself."

"You're the only girl I've ever cared about." = "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

"I really want to get to know you better." = "So I can tell my friends about it."

"It's just orange juice, try it." = "3 more shots, and she'll have her legs around my head."

"She's kinda cute." = "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

"I don't know if I like her." = "She won't sleep with me."

"I miss you so much." = "I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good."

"Was it good for you?" = "I'm insecure about my manhood."

"How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?" = "Is my love tool really that small?"

"I had a wonderful time last night." = "Who the hell are you?"

"Do you love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

"Do you 'really' love me?" = "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

"How much do you love me?" = "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

"I have something to tell you." = "Get tested."

"I'll give you a call." = "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again."

"I've been thinking a lot." = "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

"I think we should just be friends." = "You're ugly."

"I've learned a lot from you." = "Next!!!!"

 

[givinitatry]

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something to replenish the school supplies fund, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold sugar coated cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ....

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog crap!'"

"Then I would admit, 'It is dog crap'. Wanna buy a toothbrush?' I used the Obama governmental approach of giving you something crappie, but looks good, for free, and then making you pay to get the crappy taste out of your mouth."

The teacher was speechless.... Little Johnny got 5 stars for his efforts, bless his heart, and the Democrat Party has asked him to run for Mayor of Chicago

 

[frankcos]

Lizard And Monkey

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few doobies. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "Damn dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

 

[v35b]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

 

[ozzydiodude]

How to impress a woman:
Compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine and dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
buy flowers for her,
go to the ends of the earth for her...

How to impress a man:

Show up naked.
Bring beer

 

[ozzydiodude]

A guy walks into a bar a sees a huge banner that reads "FREE BEER - FREE BEER - FREE BEER ask how!" The guy asks the bartender what it's all about and the bartender tells the guy "Well if someone completes three tasks successfully, they'll earn free beer from us for life!"

The guys asks well what are the tasks? The bartender continues, "Well first, we have a gallon of Pepper Tequila, you've got to drink the entire gallon without stopping, then there is an old mean and nasty alligator out back, he's 13 feet long, huge, he's got a sore tooth, you've got to pull the sore tooth. Finally there is a woman upstairs and she's never been "satisified" sexually... YOU have to make things right for her."

The guys says Wow... that's alot for free beer, I think I'll just pay for mine. After about 6 or 7 beers, the guy tells the bartender he's game for the free beer and wants to try for it.

Everyone in the bar gathers around the guy as the bartender pulls out this huge jug of pepper tequila and hands it to the guy. The man lifts the jug up and starts downing the tequila. It takes him almost 2 minutes to drink the entire gallon but he does it without stopping. After finishing the last drop he sets the jug down and tells the crowd to point him to the alligator out back.

The guy walks out the back door and all of a sudden all hell breaks loose. Screaming, growling, yelling, the sound of clothes ripping, just a knock down, drag out old fashion country *** whooping happening. This continues for about 10 whole minutes then finally silence. The people
are scared to look out the back afraid the guys dead when all of a sudden the back door opens and the guy staggers in all tore up. He's got scratches and gouges all of his face and body, his shirt and pants are all torn to shreds, he's got a black eye and blood is dripping from
his nose and starring blankly out into space.

He looks at he crowd and asks "Now where the lady with the sore tooth!"

 

[ozzydiodude]

Hick In college

A visiting professor at the University of Colorado is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people
here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.

Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

One student in the back raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.

The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost.

The student replies, "Ghost?!?"
"Dang it, I thought you said 'goats.'"

 

[StoneyBud]

The Pot Paradox:
An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied!


A joke a stoner will laugh at:
"Q. How many pancakes does it take to build a doghouse?
A. None. Alligators can't fly."


A stoner was relaxing next to a cactus with his horse standing next to him. Along came a stranger and asked, "What time is it?" The stoner looked at the horse, lifted up his balls and said, "It's 4:20." The stranger said, "You're sure it's 4:20?" The stoner lifted up his horse's balls again and said, "Yup, its 4:20!" The guy says, "How the hell can you tell time by lifting up the horse's balls?" The stoner lifts up the horses balls and says, "You see that clock over there?"


“You know you are a true stoner when your bong gets washed more than your dishes.”


Q. What do you call tokin' a doobie with your friends?
A. A joint effort.


A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.

I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am but it's not only the passion, Dad, she's pregnant.

Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son, Chad

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my desk drawer.

 

[StoneyBud]

* The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month.
* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category.
* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church.
* Cat's urine glows under a black light.
* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot.
* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously
* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
* No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl
* The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured
* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

 

[ozzydiodude]

Rejected Hallmark Cards:

1. So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.

2. My tire was thumping....
I thought it was flat....
when I looked at the tire....
I noticed your cat... Sorry

3. You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends....
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.

4. Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.

5. Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it ....
She moved in with me

6. Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?

7. You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
that case of Bud Dry?

 

[frankcos]

One day a guy was walking down the road when he was a sign out front of a house that said "Talking Dog For Sale". He knocked at the door, the owner told him the dog was out back if he want to check him out.
The man went to the back where he found the dog. He said, "Hey dog can you talk?" The dog replied back, "I sure can". The man say's "So whats your story?" The dog say's "Well I discovered this gift at a very young age. I wanted to put it to good use so I informed the CIA and they used me for many years worldwide as a spy. I was awarded many medals and a badge of honor. After retirement I had myself a wife and we had many litters of pups."
The man is amazed and goes back inside to talk to the owner. He say's "That dog is incredible, I will take him. How much is he?" The owner replies "5 bucks". The man replies "5 bucks? Why so cheap?" The owner replies "That damn dogs a pathological liar, he ain't never left the yard"...

 

[ozzydiodude]

An American businessman traveling to Japan for business found himself with two extra days after business concluded earlier than expected. Being single and away from home for so long, he sought after female company which he found at a geisha house.
After selecting his partner, they proceeded to the room and undressed. As soon as the love session began, his female partner started softly whispering "Yakamoda", Yakamoda". Not knowing any of the language, he believed this was good and that she was enjoying the session as much as he was. He proceeded to move faster now and the woman said with a firmer tone "Yakamoda", "Yakamoda" , "Yakamoda". He was beside himself now spurred by the enthusiasm of his female partner and proceeded to imitate a rabbit he had seen on the discovery channel. She now screamed deep from her lungs "Yakamoda", "Yakamoda", "YAKAMODA"! As he finished, he found that she had feinted so he collected his things and left.

The next day he found himself playing golf with one of his Japanese clients. It was a par 3, approximately 173 yards when his Japanese playing partner struck the ball which took flight, landed on the green and then rolled gently into the hole. Struck with excitement and at a loss for words, the American stated "Yakamoda" sir.

The Japanese gentleman looked at him strangely and stated "what do you mean wrong hole"?