Letters from Mama...

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Firecracker (Mamma always thought I had a short fuse),

Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on). Well, I guess they are not fine for Clara Kimball Moots. Clara fell down a flight of stairs and broke her leg again. She blamed the accident on Birdie Rodd and her new fiance, who were in the park next door. "Every time I've fallen down those steps I've been looking out of that upstairs window," Clara said. I asked Clara how many times she had broken her leg and she said she wasn't sure because she didn't know how many men Birdie had dated.

Clara has had an awful spell of bad luck. Just last week they called Dr. LeRoy Hockey over to her house because she was having a terrible coughing spell. Dr. Hockey diagnosed the coughing fit as a hair ball. You know, son, I know the man lost his license but I'm not so sure he wasn't right on this one.

Plans for the new pharmacy in town have apparently been put on hold. I'm told that Police Chief Burley Wisdom informed Booger Jones that what he was planning was not what most people had in mind for a drug store. Booger said he'll be gone for awhile but he'll let folks in on his new plans as soon as he gets out.

Well son, I must close now. Your father just oiled the used pogo stick he bought this morning and I just heard a thud on the roof. This can't be good.



Love,

Mamma
These are something I will be updating weekly, hope you all enjoy...take care..

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Newton, (Mamma always said I didn't give a fig.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on).

Maximillion Beidelcheese, Mount Idy's richest man, might have himself in trouble with the authorities. He's been accused of employing illegal aliens down at the Handle Factory.

Maximillion claims he is innocent. He says he knows the aliens didn't cross the border illegally because he saw them arrive with his own eyes. He swears they came in by flying saucer and it set down out near Snyder Swamp.

I don't know what to think of the stories going around but folks are now wondering if Gomar Cool should have been committed to the mental hospital after all. He kept claiming he had been visiting with little green fellows down at The Stumble Inn and everyone thought his DTs had returned again. You probably remember when he used to talk to the pink elephants.

This would also explain why people have been complaining about the Mount Idy Five and Ten Cent Store being out of tiny tot underwear lately.

Grandma Ogg just doesn't seem to be herself lately. I'll never let that woman place a phone order again. She got a pizza with everything but crust. My, what a mess that was to eat.

Well, son, I must close and clean up after your father. He liked Grandma Ogg's last pizza so well that he ordered one just like it.

Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Dennis, (Mamma used to think I was a menace.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on).

Poor Gomar Cool has been in all sorts of trouble lately, but it appears he is going to get out of that drunk driving charge. Gomar admits that he was speeding, ran a stop sign and clipped a couple of cars along the way, but he claims the whiskey bottles they found on the floor of his car were only 90 proof and any jury needs to be 100% sure to convict him.

And speaking of drinking and driving, I suppose you heard they have cancelled the Mount Idy 500 auto race. It's a disappointment but the organizers were having trouble getting fast cars for the competition. They decided that you just could not keep people interested in a 500-mile race for three straight days. And besides, by the time the race was over, the cars were so far away.

My, is Wallace Swine upset. The local landfill was sponsoring a hazardous waste collection day last Saturday and Wallace awoke to find a crane and several large trucks parked outside his restaurant. Wallace said he didn't mind his grease being labeled as hazardous but he disputed the argument that his place contained enough acids and fungicides to warrant hauling the whole place to the dump.

Well, son, I must close and stop your father. He is testing the smoke detectors again. I don't know how many times I have told him you don't need to build fires to do that.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Gouda, (Mamma always thought I was a little cheesy.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on).

I am told the folks at the trauma center are trying to keep Claude Bottoms off the emergency squad. Claude is the undertaker at Mount Idy Mortuary, as you know, and he is the nicest man. But the emergency folks claim they've already lost several accident victims who up and died when they got a look at Claude. I suppose it wouldn't give folks a sense of security, having an undertaker in charge of saving your life. Leonard Box says if that's not a conflict of interest, he doesn't know what is.

Speaking of Leonard, he and Elsie Krack might be getting remarried. They were on a date the other day and, as I understand it, it was the first time they have spent that much time together since that nasty glue-gun incident several years ago.

They are selling fancy wine by the glass down at Joe Cutter's Pool Hall and Supper Club. My, it is expensive though. Joe doesn't know the name of the wine or the exact date it was made, but he says you can tell the stuff is old because the label is frayed and the hand-writing on the duct tape is hard to read.

Well, son, I must close and go release your father. He has it in his head that he is going to become a professional wrestler and I see the little neighbor boy has him in a headlock again.



Love,

Mamma
These are letters that someone writes to the local paper in the small town where I grew up. I always thought they were good for a laugh so I figured I would share them with all of you here. I don't live there any more but I still read the local paper on line and there's a new letter every week and as I said above I will update every week as they become avaliable, hope you enjoy...take care..

 

[nvthis]

Kinda funny in a sad way. I live in a small town and about ten years ago I opened the local paper to find a half page worth written by my mother. The entire thing was dedicated to how I did not like soup and always wanted ice cream when I was a child.

I know my mom is completely nuts. Us kids have grown to accept it. But I really thought I would never live that down in the small town where everybody knows everybody. Jeeze, it was beyond embarrassing.

Was it payback? Well, she's nuts, so we'll never know for sure.....

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Cheech and Chong, (Mamma always said my plans go up in smoke.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on).

I suppose you have heard that Gomar Cool is suing the strip mall over in Lumpac. Gomar claims he has been going over to that place for three straight months and he still hasn't seen one single stripper. He is demanding his money back, but I doubt if he gets any because he hasn't paid anybody anything.

I guess Gomar isn't counting Heidi from Mount Idy as a stripper. Heidi is still dancing part-time over there, you know, even though she's getting some age on her. She has a pretty important job right here in Mount Idy, too, I am told. She is what is known as the marketing agent for the Mount Idy Handle Factory. I'm not sure what that job is, but Clara Kimbel Moots told me that the marketing agent is in charge of picking up things like coffee and sugar at the Mount Idy Grocery Store.

That Heidi has gumption. She's not like her brother Melvin. (If he was a dancer like Heidi, they'd call him Mount Idy Melvin, ha, ha.) But seriously, son, that Melvin is too lazy to be a dancer, or anything else that moves, for that matter. Melvin is never on time because he wears a self-winding watch and it keeps stopping. And he is, to put it delicately, fatter than a frog full of mice. Gomar has a bet with the fellows at the bar that Melvin is as tall lying down as he is standing up. They tried to measure him a couple of weeks ago but Melvin rolled over and the poor fellow with the yardstick has not been seen or heard from since.

Well son, I must close. Your father continues to confuse the egg beater with the carpet beater and the kitchen walls are going to need washed down again.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Demi (Mamma always said I always wanted more),



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on). Well, I guess they are not so fine for Wallace Swine. Wallace says he is mad at Mount Idy Sanitation for refusing to pick up the garbage at the Wallace Swine Diner. The garbage man doesn't deny driving right on past Wallace's place day after day and that the pile of garbage has grown higher and higher. But the garbage man claims Wallace's garbage is just too dangerous to put in the dump, let alone his truck.

Ludlow Bean went over to Lumpac to have one of those fancy MRIs done on his brain last week. There wasn't anything wrong with him, as I understand it, but ever since he and Birdie Rodd got married (again), Birdie has been claiming Ludlow doesn't have a brain in his head. While agreeing that there could be a question about his intelligence – after all, he re-married Birdie – Ludlow wanted to prove her wrong about him not having a brain. The MRI results, I am told, are inconclusive.

Byron Gum died last week. You remember him, I would imagine. Folks always called him By. By Gum. We went to see him at Mount Idy Mortuary. You know how people sometimes say, "He looks like he is sleeping" when they see someone at the funeral home? Well, nobody ever says that at Mount Idy Mortuary. When Claude Bottoms lays you out, there is no doubt you are dead! Your father said "Yep, he's dead, By Gum."

And, speaking of your father, I must close now, son. He is trying to tell someone how to get to the Mount Idy Pretzel Factory and has himself twisted into an awful mess.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Light Bulb, (Mamma always said I sometimes had bright ideaas for being so dim.)

Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on). But have you heard about the local crime wave here? Just last week Police Chief Burley Wisdom issued three parking tickets and Gomar Cool got another speeding ticket. Burley said it was the worst rash of crime he has seen since last spring when he arrested Booger Jones for selling mushroom hunting licenses.

Burley said he has been so busy crushing crime that it actually took him six hours to chalk tires in the two-hour parking zone.

And speaking of Booger Jones, he has a new parts store in town. It's called Midnight Auto Supply. The place has strange hours, late at night, but Ludlow Bean says the prices are really low.

Milton Cornwallace down at the hardware store isn't happy about this new business. He says Booger owes him money but Booger says Milton doesn't understand how business works. He says he bought things on account "on account of I don't have any money to pay for it."

Grover Rupp got kicked out of the big baseball game between Mount Idy and Lumpac last week. Every time the umpire would call time, Grover would give it to him. He gave him the time at 7 o'clock, a quarter after and at 7:25. Finally the umpire told Grover he'd had enough and it was time to go. Grover said it was 10 till eight and he hoped the Stumble Inn had its air conditioner on.

Well son, I must close. I see your father is out back talking to Booger Jones and I've got to stop him from buying another mushroom hunting license.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Infinity, (Mamma always said I went on and on and on and on &#8230



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on).

Everyone in town is certainly happy that Ludlow Bean finally made it home.

Ludlow had an awful time getting out of downtown Mount Idy last week. He kept flagging down the taxi cab, but the driver kept taking him to Mount Idy Pizza Parlor.

It was only after this happened five or six times that the folks at the pizza shop told Ludlow that Mount Idy doesn't have a taxi cab and that the car with the little light on top belonged to the pizza delivery boy.

Ludlow finally outsmarted them, though. He might struggle a bit with the bottle, but he's not dumb. Ludlow ordered a pizza and had both the pizza and himself delivered to his home. Ludlow said he gave the pizza boy a big tip. He told him if he wouldn't drive so fast, the pizzas wouldn't slide around in the boxes.

Moose Hackenwright is doing better now that the hot tub ordeal is over. Moose (my that woman is big) and her husband went over to Lumpac for a romantic getaway at the Lumpac Motel and Truck Stop and the two of them had to be mechanically extracted from the hot tub in their room by the JAWS of Life. I'm told that sort of spoiled the mood for the weekend.

Well son, I must close. Your father said he was going out back to treat the weeds. I thought he was going to try and get rid of them but I see he is giving them snacks.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear, Red Delicious (Mamma always said I was the apple of her eye.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on). You remember Heidi from Mount Idy, don't you son? She's the dancer over at Lumpac with veins in the design of a road map. Well, her brother, Melvin, just got fired out at the Handle Factory.

Melvin doesn't move too fast and when he does, it is never on time. Of course, he doesn't often know what time it is because, as I've told you before, his self-winding watch stops quite often.

Maxamillion Beidelcheese, owner of the Handle Factory, approached Melvin last week when he came in and pointed at all the people already there and asked Melvin if he had any idea of what time the people around him came into work.

"Gosh, Mr. Beidelcheese," Melvin said, "I have no idea. They're always working when I get here." As I understand it, he might have kept his job if he hadn't said, "I'll let you know if any of them mentions it."

Gomar Cool is in trouble again with the Mount Idy softball league. He was caught stealing signals but the league supervisor said it was one signal he was giving, not stealing, that might get him kicked out of the league.

I suppose Gomar will just spend more time in the bar and on the road if he does get kicked out of the league. He claims he really isn't such a dangerous driver though. He says he drives real fast so he won't spend much time on the road drunk.

Son, your father is out back training a dog to do tricks. He says the dog is not too bright, but right now I see your father is standing on his head and the dog seems to be applauding.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Limburger, (Mamma always said my ideas stink.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on). At least they are okay since Grandma Ogg has settled down.

The doctor thought Grandma might be experiencing some difficulty with her heart and my did that woman throw a fit over the tests they wanted to take. She was especially upset about the echogram. Over at Mount Idy Medical they take patients out to Bear Wallow Hollow to test their echoes, and some of the words that woman hollered down that holler proved especially embarrassing over at Pleasant View Cemetery where they were conducting a funeral for the Widow Skidmore.

I'm told that some folks thought parts of grandma's tantrum were funny but you know, son, there is only so much humor one can stand at a funeral, especially when the words keep repeating themselves, repeating themselves, repeating themselves.

As I understand, it all turned out fine. Grandma had been claiming she just had indigestion and the doctors finally agreed she certainly was full of gas. They weren't positive if she had a heart, however.

As expected, Gomar Cool has once again been arrested for drinking and driving. He claims he is innocent because he is too old to do both. He is calling it his "Too pooped to pop a top" defense.

And, speaking of gas, (see portion of this letter concerning Grandma Ogg) I must go now, son, and explain things to "you-know-who." Your cousin Matilda said she wanted new pumps for the prom and I see your father has taken her over to the filling station.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Mallard Number 3, (Mamma always said I was an odd duck.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on).

Ludlow Bean has suddenly taken an interest in his family history. He has been bothering everyone in town with his incessant questions. Folks are also concerned because he has been spending so much time at the cemetery lately. We always did think Ludlow was a little strange. And did I mention that he keeps asking questions?

Ludlow sometimes just refuses to listen when people try to give him advice. Even though several folks told him he needs to talk to a genealogist about his ancestors, he ended up making an appointment with the gynecologist in Lumpoc. The doctor told Ludlow that he didn't know much about the family's history, but he was positive Ludlow didn't know which end was up.

And speaking of doctors, I hear that Dr. LeRoy Hockey is going to guarantee his work "for life." Of course a lifetime guarantee with Dr. Hockey, if he ever gets his license back, might be for only 10 or 15 minutes. He said it would be at least until you dialed the first one in 9-1-1.

And speaking of emergencies, the Mount Idy Fire, Rescue and Pizza Delivery Service is certainly making a name for itself. Just last week, they rushed Elsie Krack to Mount Idy Medical, put out two grass fires and delivered seven pizzas – all on the same trip.

Well son, I must close and see what sort of trouble your father is getting into. He said he was going to the Stumble Inn with Ludlow to meet Jack, Jim and José and study Ludlow's history. I didn't know Ludlow was related to anyone named Cuervo or to the Daniels or Beam families, did you?



Love,

Mamma

 

[maineharvest]

What the hell?

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Butthead, (Mamma always said I reminded her of some character on TV.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on). But, my, that wife of Wallace Swine certainly does have some bad habits.

For example, she stores the suntan lotion next to the Elmer's glue in her cupboard. I know that sounds harmless, son, but you would think differently if you had seen them trying to get that beach towel off little Delbert Swine. And if you have trouble, like most folks do, telling the Swine twins, Fred and Gladys, apart you should see them stuck face down on a chaise lounge.

Ludlow Bean is still having trouble with his insomnia. You remember that he went to one of those sleep clinics but flunked out because he kept falling asleep.

Ludlow has developed a terrible smoking habit. He said he smokes seven packs of cigarettes a day. I asked him how anyone could smoke that many cigarettes and he said he has to get up early and stay up late. Insomnia helps, Ludlow said.

They are fancying up the menu at Joe Cutter's Pool Hall and Supper Club. Joe is running this big contest to determine what wine goes best with kraut and wieners. That dish, as I understand it, is the top seller in the evening. The main item on the lunch menu is the lard sandwich.

Well son, I must close now and get your father. He heard that Gomar Cool got taken to the cleaners playing poker at the Stumble Inn last night and the Mount Idy Cleaners just called and told me your father said he will not leave until they give him Gomar Cool.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Pop Goes The, (Mamma always said I was a little weasel.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on). Have you heard they are having trouble down at the First (and only) Bank of Mount Idy? Lyman Frizz, the bank president, is angry because the bank board made him stop running his advertisements in the Mount Idy Tattler.

Lyman was putting in an ad with a picture of himself that said "Money Talks … and it always says Goodbye to me." Maxamillion Beidelcheese, the board president (folks call him the head cheese, ha, ha) says that is not dignified advertising for a bank. Lyman says that he is so upset he thought about putting the bank up for sale but there is no interest. (Ha, ha again! Yes, son, I know I have used that joke before but I just couldn't resist. Call it compound interest. Ha! Ha!)

For some reason Grandma Ogg has decided she wanted to speak Spanish and she has been taking lessons. She's doing alright, I guess, but she keeps confusing folks. When she leaves, instead of saying hasta la vista, she says osteoporosis and folks don't know if they should say goodbye or call the Mount Idy Fire, Rescue and Pizza Delivery Service.

Of course, Grandma Ogg gets confused quite often. She heard that the Mount Idy Pretzel factory started producing new wavy potato chips. They call them marcelled potato chips. Grandma thought they were Marcel Marceau chips and told people they would not crunch when you ate them.

And speaking of goofy ideas, I must close now and stop your father from going to the police station. He heard the neighbors were serving finger foods at a recent party and thought maybe a murder had been committed.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Nightcrawler, (Mamma always worried about my worms.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on). You won't believe this, but Melvin, Heidi from Mount Idy's lazy brother, has a job. You remember Melvin, son. He's the one who never moves.

Well, Melvin took a job as a taser tester over in Lumpoc. At least that is the story, according to the Lumpoc newspaper, the Lumpoc Reflux. I was shocked when I heard that Melvin had a job, but, of course, not nearly as shocked as Melvin is every day at work. Gomar Cool said it would have been better if Melvin had taken a job as an electric chair tester. That way he would have only had to go to work once.

I don't know how Melvin got his job. In the past he has always waited until the positions were taken before he applied. Of course his own position was always on the couch. My that boy is lazy. I remember the time he wanted to go into marketing because he thought you got to spend all your time at the grocery store. That boy is fat, too.

Melvin also tried his luck at selling cell phones for awhile but he was too lazy to call anyone. Besides, Mount Idy Telephone & Telegraph Company has always been a little behind the time. I'm told that no one wants a dial on a cell phone anymore. I guess it just makes too big of a lump in your pocket.

Well, son, I must close now. Since Melvin got that job, your father has decided he needed to find work, too. He wants to become a prune taster, but I told him that job has got to go.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Howdy Doody, (Mamma always said I was a blockhead. She means no disrespect to the real Howdy Doody, of course.)

Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on).

You know, some folks just don't use common sense, son. Take Irma Clodd, for example. I once thought Birdie Rodd had bad taste when it came to selecting her men – she's been married to Ludlow Bean after all – but Irma not only has bad taste, she just doesn't know the proper way to woo a man.

Irma sent her new beau, Scuzzy Snellingfeld, a box of fudge. That wasn't such a bad idea, but she sent it to his place of work. Now that might have been alright in most circumstances, but Scuzzy works at the Mount Idy Sewage Plant. Like your father says, it takes a real professional to eat fudge at the sewage plant.

Irma means well, but then she is a Clodd, and they have a history of making some strange decisions. Remember the time her father, Fred, started that ritzy shoe store with Elmer Hopper? They called it Clodd and Hopper. Son, you just knew that shoe store was going to go broke. I could go on and on with the bad Clodd ideas – the coneless ice cream cone; the toy poodle guard dogs. I always thought Irma made the biggest mistake when she decided to go to modeling school rather than taking that vacant job as the bearded lady with the circus.

Well, son, I must close now. Your father said he was going to shoot some craps and considering our recent conversation about Irma and Scuzzy Snellingfeld, I want to make sure he didn't head toward the sewage plant.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Dr. No, (Mamma always said that is what she said to the doctor when I was born.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on). Your father and I have been going to the moving picture shows at the Mount Idy Theatre (or as that snooty Elsie Krack calls it, the Mount Idy Tee-ah-tra). Elsie brags on the first run movies they show at the theatre but Gomar Cool says they are first run simply because no one has ever seen any of them before. I don't know if that's true but they do sound familiar. We went to see Queen Kong and Pirates of the Gulf of Mexico. The Shawshank Reduction is on next week. The cartoon at one of the movies was about this cat and mouse named Tom and Larry. And there was a short movie about the Three Students, Moe, Jerry and Burley who aren't real bright.

Gomar says he doesn't care if the movies are any good just as long as Elsie goes and sees them. He says you can't tell how ugly she is in the dark.

Byron Ogg is the tee-ah-tra manager and I guess he does alright, but he needs to replace Ludlow Bean in the projection room. Apparently Ludlow's eyesight isn't what it used to be and the customers are getting tired of watching movies upside down. Everybody's popcorn keeps falling on the floor.

I suppose Clara Kimball Moots sells more popcorn at her stand this way but I hear she's quitting. She says the children are making fun of her. You know how they call those half-popped kernels Old Maids? Well, Clara says Melvin Box and little Delbert Swine have taken to calling them Clara Kimball Mootses.

Speaking of half-popped, your father wants to get a job as an usher at the theatre. So I must close now, son. He's practicing taking tickets and I see he has three automobiles stopped out front. I think I know who's going to get a ticket, or maybe popped.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Deer in the headlights, (Mamma always said I had that special look about me.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on).

I suppose you have heard that we now have our own radio station here in Mount Idy. W-DIM started broadcasting last week in what they call the Greater Mount Idy Area.

Leonard Box and Maxamillion Beidelcheese are the W-DIM owners. Some folks have been complaining that they are having trouble with the reception. I am told the new station broadcasts off the antenna on Leonard's 1967 Cadillac and when Leonard drives over to Lumpac to shop or what not, everybody's radio goes dead. I have no idea what that means, son, but that is what I have been told.

The other day the station had a call-in show and they were asking if anyone had any advice for the Mount Idy graduating class. Gomar Cool called in and said the seniors should save their empties. The radio man said that was excellent advice, given the price of aluminum these days. That confused Gomar to no end. He said, "I don't care what you say, I know all about empties and I still say, 'save your empties.' " Gomar also saves his old tires.

I don't know what happened after that because apparently Leonard drove beyond the 3/4 mile broadcast radius and I lost contact with the station. (I have no idea what that means either, but that is what I have been told.) I am not surprised Leonard was driving around, however, because they were having Sidewalk Days over in Orbit.

Well, son, I must go and get your father before he hurts himself. This new radio station has him all excited. He said he was going out to practice being a disc jockey. I just saw him ride by on the neighbor's horse and he was holding a stack of records.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear More or Less (Mamma always said I'd have to settle for less),



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on). Fine, I should say, unless you listen to Elsie Krack. Son, she is the most pessimistic woman I have ever met. Instead of dividing the seasons into fall, winter, spring and summer, she calls them, chilly, cold, rainy and maggot time.

Elsie is just not very smart either. The other day when I was telling her that old horse manure is the best fertilizer she could use for her garden, she told me she doubted that. Then she said that even if it was so, there just aren't enough old horses around to make it worthwhile.

It was Elsie, too, who started a fight in church about the singing of hymns. She said they had been singing hymns long enough and now it was time to start singing hers.

There is sad news for the Monella family that lives on the other side of Mount Idy, out near Lumpac. Their only son was recently sent to the juvenile detention center. The young man always seemed to have a chip on his shoulder. I always felt that boy might have been a lot better off if Mr. and Mrs. Monella hadn't named their son Sal.

Well son, I must go stop your father from making a fool of himself again. I've told him over and over that it is okay if the bird watchers band birds for identification in Snyder Swamp. But your father is organizing a group to stop them. He says it is impossible to ban birds from the swamp anyway because they'll just fly back in there.



Love,

Mamma