Letters from Mama...

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Red Haven (Mamma always said I was a peach.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on). Ethel Louise Peabody certainly managed to get the women stirred up in town this past week. Ethel Louise is still as man-crazy as she ever was and last Monday Elsie Krack told the women at the Mount Idy Social Club that Ethel Louise had told her she was dating Elvis Presley and that he lived over in Lumpac.

Elsie told the Social Club ladies that she told Ethel Louise that Elvis was dead but Ethel Louise had just giggled and told her that Elvis certainly didn't act dead to her. Elsie said the club women decided that their weekly outing would be to follow Ethel and see if she really was dating Elvis. Elsie said that even if Elvis was alive, the women in the club found it hard to believe that he would be dating an older woman, especially one who looked like Ethel Louise. Well, Elsie said that to make a long story short (I was told it was already too late for that), the women found out Ethel was dating a man but it wasn't the real Elvis. It was Elvis Parsley. He works in the produce department at the Lumpac General Store.

There has been trouble again at Wallace Swine's "Dine With Swine" Diner. I'm told an under cover investigator had come up missing down there but they eventually found him under the cover of several inches of grease and spaghetti sauce.

Well, son, I must close now. Your father says he is going to shoe the horse. He said he wanted something casual and Old Paint seems to be getting testy because your father keeps switching from sandals to flip flops.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Me, What Now, (That's what Mamma always says when she sees me walk through the door.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on). At least for now. The talk is there were UFOs in town last week. Gomar Cool says he saw them land, but then Gomar sees all sorts of things land after spending a few hours at the Stumble Inn.

Gomar says this big flying saucer landed over by Mount Idy Airport (did I tell you they have a wind sock now?). Three little green men climbed out, but Gomar said they climbed right back in when one of them spotted Clara Kimble Moots. My, that woman is ugly. I'm told people like to take her fishing with them because she scares away the mosquitoes. I don't know if that is true, but I do know she once rented herself out as a scarecrow and that she is always busy around Halloween.

I'm sure you remember Melvin, the lazy brother of Heidi from Mount Idy. Well, he got fired from another job. He was working for the Mount Idy Coast Guard (that's a new boat club over around Snyder Swamp) and he didn't respond to an SOS. Melvin's excuse wasn't real good. He said he has dyslexia and read the message backward. So Melvin is unemployed again. He was working for a building contractor for awhile but they say he never could remember whether they were in the demolition or construction phase of the work. Melvin told your father he would like a job that involves a lot of sitting and television watching.

Well son, I had better go get your father. He says he has a new invention, an electric pea shooter. I have called him several times for supper but he never will hear me with those batteries in his ears.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Goofy Gander (Mamma always said I was a silly goose.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on).

Grover Rupp just bought himself a parrot and he is going around town day and night with that bird on his shoulder. Gomar Cool says the parrot talks a blue streak and knows every dirty word there is. Gomar said he was impressed until the bird told a dirty joke and it wasn't funny at all.

Grover taught the parrot to answer the phone down at the Stumble Inn. Last week the bird announced there was someone young, smart and rich on the phone. Grover asked how he knew that. The parrot asked Grover if he could tell when someone sounded old, poor and stupid. Grover said he thought he probably could and the parrot said that this person sounded the opposite of that.

Grover just hung up the phone because he figured if some young, smart, rich person was calling The Stumble Inn, it had to be a wrong number.

Police Chief Burley Wisdom has reported yet another crime wave in the area. He said three parking meters had expired and Mount Idy could have made some money in fines if he had been able to find the cars that had been parked there. Burley also warned Grover about his bird's language. Grover said that was a stupid thing to worry about. Burley said, "Don't get smart with me," and the bird said, "You'll never have to worry about Grover getting smart."

Well son, I must go catch your father. He said he was going to make a crowbar and I see him chasing several birds across the field. I remember the mess we had with the birds when your father tried to make a croquet set.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear Dingy, (Mamma always thought I needed help to stay afloat.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on).

I wonder if it is possible for Grandma Ogg to get any more forgetful. The only way she remembers to mow the lawn is to store Grandpa's wine bottles in the front yard. When he begins to have trouble finding them, she's reminded that it's time to mow. They ran over several good years last summmer when they were mowing the driveway.

She is constantly misplacing and losing things. She lost Grandpa and, from the looks of the lawn, that was quite some time ago. Your father said he is sure she lost something else years ago – her mind.

Ludlow Bean threatened to sue Joe Cutter's Pool Hall and Supper Club last week. He said he was served sour milk but Joe refused to replace it. Joe said it wasn't sour milk, it was the new chunky milk. Joe said it is somewhere between milk and cottage cheese. Ludlow felt pretty silly after hearing that. He said he should have known that a fancy place like Joe's would begin selling chunky milk after they began handling that hoity-toity wine in a box.

Leonard Box is going on a fitness kick. He claims he is jogging every day. He tried to talk Gomar Cool into running with him. Gomar tried it for a few days but decided he didn't like it. He said all that running caused his beer to splash out of the can. Gomar finally told Leonard that if he didn't like to run alone, he would promise to watch him through binoculars.

Well, son, I must go and save your father. Fred Snow told him he could get his picture on the cover of Rolling Stone and I think that's Fred rolling a stone over you father.



Love,

Mamma

 

[Sir_Tokie]

Dear deer, (Mamma always said whenever I had a couple of bucks I thought I had a lot of doe.)



Things are fine in Mount Idy (she goes on). You know, son, the Swine twins don't seem to be getting any brighter. You can't tell Fred and Gladys apart by looking at them and apparently you can't tell them apart by the grades they get in school either. Wallace told your father last week that the only way either one of his twins could pass a test was if they ate it and waited.

And little Delbert Swine isn't doing much better than his brother and sister. He was kidnapped a few weeks ago and it cost the kidnappers a fortune before Wallace and his wife would take little Delbert back.

Delbert is not having a good year. Not long ago he was being called bad names by other children and he said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me." So the other kids stopped talking and beat him up.

The newspaper over in Lumpac, the Lumpac Reflux, is still making as many mistakes as ever. This is the third straight year they have announced that Satan will visit for the annual Christmas parade. I'm told that a bigger crowd than ever showed up at the parade this year because the paper said Mrs. Satan was coming too and there was a lot of curiosity.

Well son, I must go save your father. Against my better judgment, he taught the neighbor kids the song, "Mamma Get the Hammer, There's a Fly on Papa's Head." I can see by the knots they've already sung it several times.



Love,

Mamma