Todays funny

[Hick]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four
hour, surgical procedure A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in
the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir !!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very
closely......





" A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

 

[Dubbaman]

:rofl: OMG mang that was good

 

[Dubbaman]

That's not right! - Sum Ting Wong

Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding

See me ASAP; - Kum Hia Nao

Stupid Man - Dum Fuk

Small Horse; - Tai Ni Po Ni

Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan

I bumped into a coffee table! - Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni

I think you need a face lift! - Chin Tu Fat

It's very dark in here! - Wai So Dim

I thought you were on a diet! - Wai Yu Mun Ching

This is a tow away zone! - No Pah King

Our meeting is scheduled for next week! - Wai Yu Kum Nao

Staying out of sight - Lei Ying Lo

He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka

Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu

Great! - Fa Kin Su Pa

 

[slowmo77]

anyone remember the smothers brothers? you can tell whos running the country by how many clothes they wear.. normal people can afford less clothes so they're called less ons so the people running the country have more clothes they're called more ons, funny stuff

 

[ArtVandolay]

> DR. PHIL :
>
> The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
>
>
>
> OPRAH:
>
> Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
>
>
>
> GEORGE W. BUSH:
>
> We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
>
>
>
> COLIN POWELL:
>
> Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
>
>
>
> ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
>
> We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
>
>
>
> JOHN KERRY:
>
> Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
>
>
>
> NANCY GRACE:
>
> That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
>
>
>
> PAT BUCHANAN:
>
> To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.
>
>
>
> MARTHA STEWART:
>
> No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
>
>
>
> DR SEUSS:
>
> Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
>
>
>
> ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
>
> To die in the rain. Alone.
>
>
>
> JERRY FALWELL:
>
> Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
>
>
>
> GRANDMA & GRANDPA:
>
> In our day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
>
>
>
> BARBARA WALTERS:
>
> Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
>
>
>
> JOHN LENNON:
>
> Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
>
>
>
> ARISTOTLE:
>
> It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
>
>
>
> BILL GATES:
>
> I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ........ =
>
> reboot.
>
>
>
> ALBERT EINSTEIN:
>
> Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
>
>
>
> BILL CLINTON:
>
> I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
>
>
>
> AL GORE:
>
> I invented the chicken!
>
>
>
> COLONEL SANDERS:
>
> Did I miss one?
>
>
>
> **** CHENEY:
>
> Where's my gun?
>
>
>
> AL SHARPTON:
>
> Why are all the chickens White? We need some BLACK chickens

 

[ArtVandolay]

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert Quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:
"As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA )

"What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)

"E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

"This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

"Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)

"No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

"We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

 

[ArtVandolay]

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the Days when 'Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they Are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
>
>
> Q. Do female frogs croak?
> A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
>
> Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
> A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
>
> Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
> A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
>
> Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
> A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
>
> Q.! According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
> A. Rose Mari e: No; wait until morning ..
>
> Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
> A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
>
> Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
> A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
>
> Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
> A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
>
> Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
> A. Rose Ma rie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget!
>
> Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
> A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
>
> Q.Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
> A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
>
> Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
> A Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
>
> Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
> A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
>
> Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
> A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
>
> Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
> A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
>
> Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
> A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
>
> Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
> A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
>
> Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
> A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
>
> Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
> A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
>
> Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do ?
> A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
>
> Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
> A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
>
> Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
> A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
>
> Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two Occasions. What are they?
> A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
>
> Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
> A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

 

[Dubbaman]

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when
it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone
began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain
and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was
called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Thought you'd like to know.

 

[HippyInEngland]

 

[call_of_ktulu]

This guy is walking to work when he passes by a house and hears someone crying. He finds a lady with no arms or legs sitting on the front porch crying her eyes out.

Man: What's wrong??
Lady: I was born with no arms or legs. My family abandoned me and I've never been hugged before.

Being the nice guy that he is, he gives her a hug and goes about his day.

The next day, he passes by the same house and hears the same lady crying.

Man: What is it this time dear?
Lady: Well, i've never been kissed before:cry: .

So, being the nice guy that he is, he gives her a great big kiss.

The following day he passes by the same house and hears the armless/legless lady crying on her porch again.

Man: What's wrong now??
Lady: Well, im really embarassed, but.... Ive never been F*cked before.

So, being the nice guy that he is, he picks her up and throws her in a swimming pool.

Man: Now you're F*ucked!!!

:holysheep:

 

[tess]

I know this is not a joke but i need to share my laughter of yesterday Lol........

I went to the post office to do some general posting and paying bills as you do....When i came out i walked over to my car and put my key in the door and it wasn't opening i was still fiddling .......and then the window came down on it's own i was shell shocked and then i looked in and a little man was in my car "Can i help you love" ......**** this man's trying to steal my car.

Then it struck me ....this was not even my car not even the same car ...same colour but certainly not my car ...my car was on the other side of the road which i had just crossed ha ha the shame i was in hysterics and the man was not best amused i nearly had his car door off ha......

Note to ones self in future ...Dont get stoned if your a woman , Ditsey, and ur going out to pay bills ha

xxxxxxxxxMuch Love xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[Dubbaman]

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would n ow buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

 

[Dubbaman]

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield (London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

 

[ArtVandolay]

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

​

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.




2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

​

Did you say, 'Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?'

Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.




3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend.... except one. Which animal does not attend?

​

Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.



Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.



4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

​

Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.



According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old.

 

[ArtVandolay]

Catholic Elementary School Test

Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible,
even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic
Elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new
testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by
children. They have not been retouched or corrected (i.e., incorrect
spelling has been left in).

1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of
creating the world so he took the sabbath off.

2. Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan
of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.

3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of
fire during the night.

4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with
unsympathetic Genitals.

5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a
Jezebel like Delilah.

6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which
is bread without any ingredients.

8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards,
Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada . Then Joshua led the Hebrews
in the battle of Geritol.

12. The greatest miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son
to stand still and the son obeyed him.

13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought
the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times.

14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they
found Jesus in the manager.

17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.

19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before
they do unto you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.

20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.

21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.

22. The epistels were the wives of the apostals.

23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marraige.

25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

 

[ArtVandolay]

Shall we trade a few blonde jokes?

Did you hear about the 2 blondes that froze to death at the drive-in last January?

They went to see "Closed for the winter".

 

[HippyInEngland]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see that the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, ' Dad .'
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

'Dear, Dad .
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad . She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a caravan in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad , I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love,
Your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad , none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home

 

[nikimadritista]

Jokes are often hard to translate... But here is a Bulgarian Joke I'll try to do in English for ya...

The fisherman who loved to burn the herb, had to go fishing all day to feed his family. He spent the day fishing on the beach and couldn't catch a thing, until late in the afternoon when he finally pulled out one little gold fish.
The fish spoke to him in a sweet human voice - Please Please Let me go - I'll make you two wishes come true... Please, Please.. .what is your first wish?

The fisherman thought about that for a minute and said:
- WELL, I WANT A JOINT THAT NEVER ENDS!
OK here you go - says the fish, and gives him that Joint...
The stoner lights it up, smokes for about 20 min and gets completely mashed... the Joint is still the same size...
Than the fish goes - Please man, Let me go, what is your second wish???

Fisherman takes another hit and says - This is some pretty good weed fish.. Let me have another spliff...

 

[ArtVandolay]

They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for the church ladies who type them. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be cycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
>
> ---------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

 

[ArtVandolay]

This is a very old internet piece that still makes the e-mail rounds occasionally and is still funny imho.

City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:_____________________
Gang:_____________________


1. Johnny has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times in each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?


2. If Joe has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?


3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?


4. Jerome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make a 20% profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?


5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?


6. Richard is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the ***** that spent his money?


7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?


8. Peter knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Peter knocked up?