Todays funny

[HippyInEngland]

Found in a book shop today lol

 

[benamucc]

Whats the difference between your boss and God?

God doesn't think he's your boss...

 

[HippyInEngland]

Women do the same but hide it better

 

[Dubbaman]

You cant have front row seats and not look, that would be just in-human, and not to mention disrespectful to the fine cheeks in front of you

 

[ishnish]

Thanks for the laughs DubbaMan.
its good stuff!

 

[Sir_Tokie]

It was their 1st day of college and 2 guys had just met and became good friends.The 1st guy ask the other one what are you going to school to become? I am going to be a Taxidermist he answered and what about you he asked I am going to become a Mortision he said. So the years went by and they both went out in the world to start their new jobs. One day they ran into each other and asked how their lives were going? The Taxidermist said he was doing very well and the Mortision also said he was doing well and told his buddy that he should come over and watch him preserve a body.Sure he said and they headed to his shop. While there he noticed the 1st thing he did to the body was reach down and with a quick slice he cut the dead mans pecker right off and threw it in a bucket.What do you do with the pecker skins he asked? We throw them away he answered. Well may i take them to my shop and see if i can make some use of them?Sure he said but i don't see what you could make of them beings they are so small and all. I will come up with something he replied and then left. A few months went by and the mortision visited the taxidermists shop and was looking at all the fish, deer and things he had mounted. Then he asked what did you do with that bucket of pecker skinns i gave you? He pointed up to a shelf and said see that wallet up there? Thats what i came up with. The guy replied with all those skinns thats all you could make from them just a wallet? The taxidermist replied back to him and said it may just be a wallet sitting there but rub on it a little while and you will have a very nice sized suitcase in no time at all...

 

[Dubbaman]

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?"
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs."

 

[Dubbaman]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'

 

[Dubbaman]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."
The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."
The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds " and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "May be you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

 

[Hick]

hmm reminded me of one

Little boy setting on the curb playing with a ittle bottle of muratic acid.
Preist spots him, asks "What are you doing there, sonny?"
"I'm burnin' ants with this here acid, mister"

Preist thinks about it for a moment, and decides he'll try o get the dangerous compound out of this kids hands...
" Sonny, how 'bout we do some trading here. I have this bottle of "Holy Water, that I'll be willing to swap..straight across, for your acid."

"Hmmm." the kids thinking.. "What can I do with Holy Water"
Preist, "Well... once I rubbed some on a womans stomach, and she passed a baby"

Little boy.. "Heck, I rubbed some of this on a cats butt, ...and it passed a motorcycle!"...

 

[Dubbaman]

Little boy.. "Heck, I rubbed some of this on a cats butt, ...and it passed a motorcycle!"...

:rofl:

----------------------------------------------------------------------


(1)Fine:This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2)Five Minutes:If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. 'Five minutes' is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3)Nothing:This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'nothing' usually end in 'fine'.

(4)Go Ahead:This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5)Loud Sigh:This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about 'nothing'. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of 'nothing'.)

(6) That's Okay:This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. 'That's okay' means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7)Thanks:A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' . .. that will bring on a 'whatever').

(8)Whatever:Is a woman's way of saying 'SCREW YOU'!

(9)Don't worry about it, I got it:Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

This is for the singles out there and all those who have troubled relationships, i on the other hand only hear these things every day in my wedded blissful state

 

[Dubbaman]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This has been hailed as a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[Dubbaman]

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double Vodkas."
"The barman says "Wow, you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double Vodkas. The bartender says "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
"Yeah, my wife..."

 

[Dubbaman]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

 

[Dubbaman]

The 8th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class:

"Which human body part increases to seven times its normal size when stimulated?"

No one answered until Little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be asking 8th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, Little Mary then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again: "Which body part increases to seven times its normal size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class: "Anybody have an answer?"

Finally, Kevin stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases seven times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Kevin."
Then she turned to Little Mary and continued: "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

"You have a dirty mind.
"You didn't read your homework.
"And one day, you are going to be VERY, VERY DISAPPOINTED!"

 

[Dubbaman]

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The flight attendant looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it immediately sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 'But why?', they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said,'I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

7. A woman has identical twins and is forced to give them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're identical twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to 'persuade' them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent Florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. There was the person who sent ten different puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

[Dubbaman]

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employee s who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or C.L.A.P. (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.AP. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management

 

[HippyInEngland]

I love these jokes, I hope you know half the forum steals these and sends them to all online contacts

 

[Sebstarr]

^^ so true Hippy, Dubbaman, your stuff is GOLD.

 

[Dubbaman]

An old Italian Mafia 'Don' is dying and he calls his grandson into his bedroom.
'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me.'

'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?'

'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.... .you gonna have a beautiful awife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.'

'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to you watch and say 'Timesa up'?