a ramble, my thoughts

[thcgod]

I have not had marijuana in my system for the last 48 hours, I have drug test coming up , and will drink the detox stuff.. but boy you dont even know how bad I want to chief right now.... 10 more hours....


Well anyways on to my story



I have been lurking around the forums for a long time, and by lurking, I am on this site religiously every night in the wee hours in the morning looking at your beautiful buds, and extesnive knowledge.

I am 20 but I have always been a 'late-bloomer' and feel/behave like I am 2 years younger. My life, looking back now, was WORRY FREE. Great, amazing, I was SO lucky. I started smoking pot, at 17, and was always so worried about two things.

1) my parents finding out (specifically: my mom)
2) how 'bad' marijuana is for me (i thought i would go crazy or have mental problems from smoking... )

I live with my parents , but my mom is the only 'parent' to me. She devoted her whole life to give me a good life and education. She worked for 30+ years hard labor, her life was TERRIBLE in comparison to mine. And she did it all for me, so I could have a good life, something she could not. She is the smartest person in the world, (she never went to highschool - born in europe, ran away from home) came to the US, and went to school in her 40's got straight A's... I would be doing my gradeschool homework and she would help me and was just the perfect mom/student etc... The only reason I wanted to get good grades was because I know how important they were to her, and mostly I want her to be happy.

If I ever got in trouble, I was not in the least bit upset about getting in trouble, or what I did, but it was the fact that I had to go home or call my mom and have her get all stressed out etc....

Well so the first two years of my smoking.... I worked at a restaurant, and everyone there was a druggie really. I was the 'newbie' to the scene, but I would go to my managers house after work and smoke with her friends once a week.. and wow did I get SO stoned. The stuff I have now is So much better, but back when I first started smoking, when I wasn't accoustomed to the high, it would just rock my world...

but almost any time I smoked, I would get SO SO SO worried that when I got home my mom would find out.. it got to be a problem because I would come home stoned more and more often, and each time my mom would know and get very upset. She is a person who worries alot, but I am the ONLY thing she has in her life. And she knew nothing about MJ, so she always thought it was TERRIBLE for me and HATED , absolutely hated to see me under the influence.

So for the first two or so years, I really never enjoyed smoking MJ. I loved it, but also worried about its effects on me, and parents. If they left out of town, yippie! i would have a MUCH better time smoking, knowing they would not find out......

So alot of time goes by, and life is just as it is... I get in trouble for posession a few times and my parents are devestated and its just an ongoing problem (smoking pot).

So until now, every time I smoked, I was always somewhat uncomfortable, either about the effects on my body, or my mom getting worried.

But looking back, I never NEEDED the marijuana, if I diddn't have it one day, no problem. Well all of that has changed.

I got in alot of trouble with MJ and got put on probation. That was terrible. First time getting in major trouble like that I was in shock etc.... and I get 3 years probation. So now they are testing me, and I technically can't smoke.... well I still do, and pass some tests, fail some, but I am 'walking a thin line'

Then out of nowhere... my mom has a stroke. Just out of the blue. She is completely healthy, a total health food advocate, last person in the world to have a stroke, but she was so worried about me and the family situations, something just happened. That was last year. Up until now, and since her stroke, it has been the worst year of my life. I have completely changed as a person. Maybe I matured, maybe it is something else, but I can definately see the difference.

For about 3 months I diddn't even know if my mom would make any sort of recovery (she was in coma).. and it was just so hard on me. Crying all night I had no idea why this happened to me, it is ONLY me and her in my life. She is the only one I look up to, or if I have questions or worries or anything; she is the one I go to. Now she is a vegetable and can't even open her eyes.

Miracously she starts to recover (She is a very strong person) and I can not thank god enough... she is able to actiually walk now, and her talking is getting better , but most the time she talks in her native language which I never learned..

Looking back on it now, things are coming along GREAT... her recovery is 1001010101010 times more then I could ever expect... so that lets my soul rest; but then at times (when im not stoned) , I get so incredibly depressed, I just start crying out of nowhere. I just think of this beautiful woman, she was SO smart.. wayyy smarter then me; (she was such a hard worker) she studied so hard, she worked for 10 years, all while I was going to school she get her masters and started teaching. And then she gets crippled. I can't believe how the human body can do that. One side of her body was paralyzed, her leg is coming back slowly (at 40% now) but her arm is still at 0-1%.. barely any movement... but there is some so I have hope.

But I will be relaxed and happy that she is recovering better then I can imagine, but at night I just get so sad. I kiss her goodnight and just see how she is SO crippled , and just 1% of what she was a year ago. Ive been smoking every day non stop, and after going through this traumatic experience, i have learned many things about life, and me.

1) I now, for the rest of my life, will never even WORRY about smoking marijuana, the 'affects' do not even bother me at all... I have completely changed with that and I can truly say I will smoke MJ every day until I leave this planet.

continued next post....

 

[thcgod]

I have actiually developed a love for marijuana. I am not addicted to it, I actiually love it. I have developed a whole new outlook to MJ, and I honestly just love it SO much, (I always have some around) but I wouldnt even take 1 day off a year to not smoke if I could. And now... now ... now when my mom could never tell if i smoked, now I can do anything I want, now I have no worries about smoking, and all I have to do is relax myself and take care of my mom.. but OH... I really screwed myself over. I'm on probation. So they test me once a month. So now. now I am at some of the hardest emotional periods of my life... and if I use MJ, I can go to prison for 2 years. And if I fail any more tests that will pretty much happen.

It just kills me, it eats at me inside. I am just SO unbelieveiably angry at the laws about marijuana. If I wasn't stupid enough to get in trouble back in the 'good ol days' I could be smoking all the time no problem, no worries about going to jail (and being away from my mom - that would kill her - or give her another stroke) so that alone would make me want to kill myself. If my mom died with this first stroke, I would not give a flying **** about going to jail for 2 years. But if I was gone from her from more than even a day, she would be devestated. I could not live knowing she is worrying herself sick each night thinking about me in a cell.

Why do we have such a god damn corrupt government. I am not a violent person, but I just want to start punching my bed as hard as I can over and over, thinking about how they legalize cigarettes, and millions are addicted to that (just so some CEO can make millions) and yet, in a MUCH LESS HARMFUL substance, it is illegal, and they will actiually put me, a loving caring person, in jail, just for trying to relax and calm my senses.

My probation officer says "oh well we will get you on antidepressants if that is what you want" ... well I don't want that garbage! I have never taken medicine in my life, my mom and I are old fashioned. Just lots of fluids (tea) and sleep...

I don't want to end up mentally fucked up on some antidepressants, god knows whats in there/the side effects. All I could ask, I would pay 100 dollars a day for the rest of my probation (2 years) if I could smoke each day. But if for some reason this detox drink does not work one of the next 20-some times I have to take drug tests... i dont even know...

I honestly wish I could go to jail now for some sort of shortened term... (i knwo it would be horrible) but if I could just get this **** over with and smoke again... tahts all I ask....

It just BOILS my blood knowing that a few states over , people can GROW MARIJUANA legally. LEGALLY. yet I get in trouble with posessiona and get a felony charge/prison sentence.

I dont know, i dont know if u guys even want to respond to this. I am just sitting at my computer at 4am, looking back on life. I wish I could see life this way 2 years ago, maybe I would of made less mistakes. But the only thing that matters to me is your health and happiness. Right now my mom has neither of those. I honestly would leave the country (and be a fugitive) if I could just move my mom and I somewhere to where it was legal to smoke. and just move on from life and this shithole of a society I am in. MJ IS harmless. We all know it. Yet I will go to some prison with murderes and who knows what, because i NEED to medicate myself.

"See ... you are doing the wrong thing. You are trying to self medicate yourself with illegal drugs, just going to get you in more trouble, you need some antidepressants".

No that is not right. It is only illegal because a few select idiots want to profit from the tobacco industry etc.....

We all know if it was legalized, almost ALL DEALING would be stopped. But no we can't do that because it would conflict with some mighty big paychecks i'm sure.

I have 2 years. where I am supposed to not smoke... well I will tell you right now.. if this detox **** works, ive waited 48 hours and I dont want to wait longer... i will sit down and smoke an OUNCE as soon as I pass this test. I know it will make me feel better, but now I have a new problem. Now when I smoke I just worry about failing the next test.... I dont know man... If I can just get off probation for the LOVE OF GOD.

If they were to send me to jail, and my mom had another stroke while I was gone... (which would most likely happen). I would have nothing to lose. I don't know what I would do. Either kill myself, or kill myself. Why do I have to have this problem over smoking a PLANT. a frickin PLANT that grows wild. Right outside. Salvia is wayyyy worse and crazy to do, and THAT **** IS LEGAL!?! ***!?

Now looking back, yes; I see the police as a force to protect, but I truly feel you do NOT have to obey unjust laws. And I am sorry, the laws are very unjust. I know in 10 years, when MJ is legal, or when I am in amsterdam buying MJ with my CREDIT CARD.. I will laugh, or maybe I will cry. Maybe I will cry thinking all the mental strain I put on me and my mom.

What are the police/law makers? What is the law? Honestly, we are all humans. Think about this, we are all born equals. Why do I have to even follow probation? Why can they LOCK me up? maybe it is because I live here.. but could I just leave and never come back? say **** YOU U.S.A and leave with my mom right now and NEVER come back. Why do I HAVE to follow some rule written by some guy who has many persuasions and $$$ influence. It IS all a game, its ALL about $$, and people get their lives ruined (but it will never change) all because of that.

With the way MJ has been popping up, it boggles my mind that it IS still illegal... HOW!? Almost every day there is someone smoking MJ on TV, its everywhere. Even when I got busted with posession before my 'big' charge.. most the time they threw it out (twice it was over a half-o)... but they KNOW its harmless.... but the police have SO much power, they are 100% in control. Anything they say goes, that simple. So my life, my moms life, our emotions, our health, it all lies in the hands of some underpaid, overworked human being; folloing unjust/immoral laws....

I have been typing for the last hour, and have gone through many emotions. From smiling to crying I just feel 'numb' to almost anything I cared about before. Shoudl I just stop smoking and put up with it? I know if I pass this next test (tomorrow) and just stop, I will finish probation fine, and then I can smoke. But that is no smoking for TWO YEARS. I can't fathome that. I am having a hard enough time going two days.. it is around me all the time... I jsut want to smoke it SO BAD. It is almost too painful to not smoke; I LOVE the plant with a passion. I can stare at the plants for hours, they are beautiful. They bring nothing but joy and happiness to me. And now when I need it most; i can't have it. My mom needs me more than ever. I am a son, husband, and friend to her; all at once. My stepdad only thinks about himself and she and I both hate him. But there is no way I can support my mom by myself; and it is SO much to worry about I just need the MJ to relax. If she was mentally 'ok' we would leave this bastard right now and I would somehow get a house to move her to... but we have no money, and she needs medical care. It seems like the probation is just the straw that breaks the camels back. It just adds SO MUCH Trouble, expenses, and time I mentally can't devote to it. I don't even know what Im am writing now my thoughts are just all mixed up so I will stop here...

My mom and marijuana are the only things in life that I care about. The second I have the oppourtunity to leave , or to go to some other state (california) where you can just PAY some doctor $150 - and whala! you are now legally able to go to the store to buy MJ. But how will that happen.. she is crippled, and I would have to do everything (she can't plan anything obviously..) Could I just buy a house on my credit card? I don't think so... if there is some way I could just isolate us somewhere, where all I would do is support my mom and give her a good life like she has given me, and be able to freely smoke MJ without having to worry... i dont know... someday I will look back and people will be laughing about the laws against marijuana... just like prohibition... useless.... life always seems alot better when you look back on it, but when you are going through it - it's terrible. anyways I don't plan on stopping, if only there was a way I could smoke every day and KNOW i could pass drug tests... I guess they are just going to have to force me to stop if it comes to it.

Thanks for listening.

 

[Ilikebigbuds]

hey there THCGOD, I would like you to know, All is well.

it really is...

you must start giving your self the benifit of out come.

that scene you play in your mind.. the one you replay over and over....

make that scene play and always end in your benifit.

don't feel guilty for it is a useless vibration and can only attract to you the things you do not want.

All is well, you can never get it wrong.

put your focused attention on what you are wanting.

I want you to know how much you and your mother are loved.

see your mother as you know she would like to be. that will be of more help to her than anything else you could ever do for her. do not see her as she is, as others may see her now, see her as she has always intended to be. that is how I see her, even reading your words and feeling your dispair, I see you both as I know you have always intended. full of love and joy! full of well being and excitment!

stop pushing against what you do not want and start focusing on what you do want. All is well.

you came forth into this physical body to have fun and experience the contrast and varity of this place. you are sad because you have become disconnected in a sort of way. you here the beliefs of others and it feels bad because you are believing their words while your inner self knows that these things are not true. you have inner guidance, we all do. trust it.
All is well. it really is.

It is you journey... listen to the words coming from within.... all is well....
you are so very loved....