I lost it last night...

[7greeneyes]

MY Fiancee just got out of rehab for her drinking that got out of control. Ever since she's been trying me and testing me and seeing if I'll give in to her constant desire to have a beer/alcohol.

Well two days ago I said it would be ok (because she asked me)if she had a beer with our dinner (we were out on the town) and I said that'd be fine as long as she didnt drink for a week, I just didn't want to see her get into a daily using pattern that she had had before rehab...Now this lady had used cocaine and heroin for years so I know she's strong person point in fact that she walked away from those w/o ever looking back...But last night her daughter was over (father has custody) and we went to the store and she put a tall boy in w/ the groceries.

I saw it, told the checker to take it out and told her that my wife's (it's just easier to call her my wife because in my mind she already is) just got outta rehab. My fiancee saw it, pulled out some change she had and bought in anyway.

Walking out to the car I just exploded, I told her to dump that bleepin thing out or she could just find somewhere else to go becaue I didn't want to see her in that addictive state again. She said I had no right to yell/discuss this in front of her teenage daughter but I said that her daughter deserves to know the truth about her intermittent use and the fact that she had promised me. I never break a promise and she's broken promises over and over again...

I was so steaming mad that I told her to call her mother to see if she could be taken there because I didn't want to see her do this again...I didn't want her around me at all...

So as I'm getting her things together and telling her to leave the dog here, she says fine and pours the beer down the drain. She said it wasn't worth it.

We made up but she says I owe her daughter an apology...And I'm like, why? I never yelled at her once, cussed at her once, never have done anything toward her except smile and be kind to her kid, now is this just a manipulation tool she's using to make me feel bad or am I not seeing something, I don't see why I need to apologize for my feelings and the truth. I didn't call anyone anything, I just vented at the fact that she's allways breaking her promises.

How do I deal with a recovering alcoholic thats always trying me and manipulating me, I love her so much and she's such a cool person. Any advice, opinions, or suggestions/stories are appreciated....Why should I apologize for my sincere feelings and concerns?

thank you for reading this


7greeneyes


edit: I haven't been in a rage like that for a good TEN years! My blood pressure was pounding so hard I could feel it in my eyes and teeth...lol...*sigh*

 

[ozzydiodude]

Go talk to the daughter, I'll bet she was happy to see someone trying to help her mom get herself back together. If she don't think her daughter knows about her moms problem(she may not know exactly what the problem is. But you can bet your bottom dollar she knows something is wrong wth her mom). This little inbarassment may be just the thing to get her started on the road to a soberer life. I wish her and you the best

 

[7greeneyes]

Go talk to the daughter, I'll bet she was happy to see someone trying to help her mom get herself back together. If she don't think her daughter knows about her moms problem(she may not know exactly what the problem is. But you can bet your bottom dollar she knows something is wrong wth her mom). This little inbarassment may be just the thing to get her started on the road to a soberer life. I wish her and you the best

thank you Ozzy. I just don't know who to talk to. A far as everyone's concerned, she's completly sober and clean livin' now and I don't want to diminsh how ppl see her...thank you for your suggestions Ozzy...

 

[ozzydiodude]

Some times it easier to talk to use faceless somebodies than someone that is face to face. IMO all of us have fought a addiction one time or another and can add a little something that helped us. I don't really want to see anyone lose control of their life or have to hit rock bottom before they or their friends and family can get them to help theirself. As much as we would like until they decide they want to quit all we can do is hope and help them in any way we can.

 

[Rosebud]

What a hard situation. For what it is worth I think you did the right thing by kicking her out if she was going to use. I know the word enabler is over used, but can a person that has an addictive personality like that ever be an occasional drinker? I don't know but would think no. Ozzy is right her daughter knows whats up. What does she think you owe her an apology for? Speaking the truth. This is going to take real patience from you..maybe you better go to alanon or get some help dealing with an addict.
Hang in 7g, She is lucky to have your support, now you need some.

 

[7greeneyes]

What a hard situation. For what it is worth I think you did the right thing by kicking her out if she was going to use. I know the word enabler is over used, but can a person that has an addictive personality like that ever be an occasional drinker? I don't know but would think no. Ozzy is right her daughter knows whats up. What does she think you owe her an apology for? Speaking the truth. This is going to take real patience from you..maybe you better go to alanon or get some help dealing with an addict.
Hang in 7g, She is lucky to have your support, now you need some.

thank you so much, Rose. I know she went to a meeting a cpl days ago while I was at work but I KNOW you are right, I have to begin to go to meetings, either with her or by myself...She always says Progress, Not Perfection...And I think I've been very understanding...yeah, I have no idea why she wants me to apologize other then to try to humble me or something in front of her daughter....I don't know...it's the most difficult thing I've had to deal w/ (that's including the years of surgeries or when I went through rehab yrs ago for drinking...lol). AnywaYS, thank you for taking time out and offering advice, I know I don't know you from Eve, but I kinda respect you and the other members here for your life experience. I'm 36 but I still have so much more to learn in life It's hard...

 

[Sol]

Yep, tough spot. I'm an alcoholic as well, but i havent drank for the last 8 years. Alcohol causes the nicest ppl to do the rottenest things. Shes' very very lucky to have your support, especially if you can discuss/deal with these things with a level head and not letting anger/emotion blind you to what is really happening. Sometimes when that drinking urge hits ,it will be like dealing with a third person, and really you are. I remember getting blind raging mad when someone would hit my sore spot when discussing alcoholism(everyone has one somewhere) and then thanking them years later, when i could understand clearly.
The key for me was finding the REAL reason for the drinking. For some its' childhood,parents or any number of things that scar us emotionally and then .... OK this is getting too deep- so in short -she has to be the one to finally resolve this with herself, not you. But your help could make it alot easier, but don't hurt yourself in the process.
Anyway i truly mean i hope the best for you both , will hope you can tame that crappy beast.

 

[7greeneyes]

Yep, tough spot. I'm an alcoholic as well, but i havent drank for the last 8 years. Alcohol causes the nicest ppl to do the rottenest things. Shes' very very lucky to have your support, especially if you can discuss/deal with these things with a level head and not letting anger/emotion blind you to what is really happening. Sometimes when that drinking urge hits ,it will be like dealing with a third person, and really you are. I remember getting blind raging mad when someone would hit my sore spot when discussing alcoholism(everyone has one somewhere) and then thanking them years later, when i could understand clearly.
The key for me was finding the REAL reason for the drinking. For some its' childhood,parents or any number of things that scar us emotionally and then .... OK this is getting too deep- so in short -she has to be the one to finally resolve this with herself, not you. But your help could make it alot easier, but don't hurt yourself in the process.
Anyway i truly mean i hope the best for you both , will hope you can tame that crappy beast.

Thank you and congratz on the 8 years mark, that's just awesome. I've asked her tentatively what has happened in her past that makes her want to drink. She had a great family setting growing up, never been messed with, she just says she hates herself sober because she's annoying. If anything the only thing I could discern is that she is WAY A.D.D. when not drinking, but i can live w/that, I can't deal with hear slow alcohol-induced suicide, tho.

Thank you for sharing Sol, I really do appreciate it.

 

[Rosebud]

"I can't deal with hear slow alcohol-induced suicide, tho."

That may be your very painful decision.

 

[7greeneyes]

"I can't deal with hear slow alcohol-induced suicide, tho."

That may be your very painful decision.

Well, we've only known each other for a year but I knew the moment I met her i wanted to marry her. I've never said that about any gal I've dated or been with. I know she can go about her day w/o drinking, it's just getting her to truley embrace that concept. She's not drinking everyday, it was just that it would of been two days in a row that she had a drink and I don't want her/or me to go down that path. There's no good reason to be a slave to anything, even marijuana. I've quit growing years on end just to prove it to myself...

 

[pcduck]

Well two days ago I said it would be ok (because she asked me)if she had a beer with our dinner (we were out on the town) and I said that'd be fine as long as she didnt drink for a week,

7G that could have been the worst thing you could have done.
When being an alcoholic it is a whole lot easier not to start then it is to quit.

With that being said I hope the two of you work it out and both of you seek the help that you both need. Her with being an alcoholic and you having to love someone that is. Best of luck to the both of you.

 

[The Hemp Goddess]

My daughter is an alcoholic. Alcoholics cannot drink...ever. There is no such thing as "just one". I hate to say it, but if you do not want repeats of the scene you had with her, she is going to have to abstain from alcohol 100%. Alcoholism is not really something someone can "get over". I fear unless she does quit drinking, you could have a rocky road...

 

[7greeneyes]

7G that could have been the worst thing you could have done.
When being an alcoholic it is a whole lot easier not to start then it is to quit.

With that being said I hope the two of you work it out and both of you seek the help that you both need. Her with being an alcoholic and you having to love someone that is. Best of luck to the both of you.

I know I know *sigh* I should've never caved in...

 

[7greeneyes]

My daughter is an alcoholic. Alcoholics cannot drink...ever. There is no such thing as "just one". I hate to say it, but if you do not want repeats of the scene you had with her, she is going to have to abstain from alcohol 100%. Alcoholism is not really something someone can "get over". I fear unless she does quit drinking, you could have a rocky road...

I understand, THG, it's just really hard to say "NO!" but I am growing more resolve as we speak. Just chatting w/ my friends here. Thank you for sharing THG, I really do value your thoughts and feelings...

 

[Sol]

"Alcoholics cannot drink...ever. There is no such thing as "just one""
:yeahthat: :goodposting:

 

[Slowlyburn]

My uncle was an alcoholic for many years. It took him almost dying to finally quit. I have to agree with the above posts saying that it has to be a 100% commitment to quit. She can't have 1 here or 1 there. All it will take is 1 good buzz to "bring back that loving feeling" that alcohol brings her. It will be a hard road no matter how you look at it. If you really love her and want to make it work then it will be equally hard for you to not give in and keep her mind off of it. Good luck and I hope it all turns out ok for you two love birds...

 

[Chewbongo]

I'm very sorry for ure situation. It us a difficult one. I'm also sorry to say I agree u should apologize to the daughter. Im assuming since she doesnt live with her mom she doesnt know u well,and if u were ranging like u say u were then u probably scared the crap out of her. I'm sure she understands where ure coming from cause she probably feels the same way, but that doesn't mean seeing a man she barely knows blow up didn't get her blood pumpin like crazy.
please.don't get me wrong, its a good thing what ure doing, she needs u, and I'm sure she knows that

 

[hero4u2b]

Sorry to hear about your dilema Geeneyes. As a recovering addict/alcoholic myself I feel sorry for you. many addicts/alcohlics inevitablly die from the diesease of addiction and alcoholisim although recovery is possible as long as the addict/ alcoholic can see and admit the harm the drug is causing him. her/ their familys and really internalize it and know that the drug/etoh is the problem.. not the wife not the husband the job ect ect and then become WILLING to do the things that are nesesary to stay clean/sober w/e one wants to call it. for your significant other being with other newly recovering addicts/ alcoholics will be an important factor for long term recovery. I could go on and on about the disease of addiction and the process of recovery but if I was you. I would seek out some al anon meetings and also possibly obtain a thereipst ( your going to need it) for your own sanity. If your wife is anything like me, or any recovering ppl know.. she will have you thinking her drinking is all your fault in no time. We are masters at manipulating the ones around us. Good luck and fasten your seatbelt. Hero

 

[7greeneyes]

THANK you so much for everyone's input, I appreciate all of it. IT was a tough one last night. She put on airs that everything is allright but there's a tension there that I couldn't discuss while her child was there. Tonight we are going to have a long talk. Again, thank you everyone for chiming in here, I greatly appreciate it.

And thank you Hemp Goddess, I needed to hear that from someone, I need to grow a backbone and put my foot down. NO ALCOHOL PERIOD.

Wishing Everyone much Peace n' Love in their Lives,

7greeneyes

 

[tcbud]

I have to agree with everyone who says not drinking means not drinking. Only way to go. As soon as I read, "had one beer", I knew there was gonna be some kind big problem. There is not a ONE beer or ONE shot. It is just a way to justify the one more.... Just this time, just this once, and it leads to more, then just once more, just one.....just does not work. She has the strength, sounds like if she walked from those other addictions. I put down hard drugs, I put down booze, but my nemesis was Cigs, they were my downfall and still will prolly be what kills me even tho I dont smoke anymore. Quit so many times and came back with .....just one, just one more.

I wish the best for you and your wife 7. She is very lucky to have you not enable her. Don't let her talk you into just one again if you can help it. I think you can see there is never a just one.

As for the Daughter. I agree with the others, talk with her. An apology is not the end of the world. There are many ways to apologize. Let her know you were at fault for "allowing" (enabling) mom to have that one...that one is the one that started the whole dilemma. It will prolly bring you closer to the daughter, as she will see the love you hold for the mom.

Good luck to you.