Hi Guys and Gals,
Well, all the rush of emotions now being out of the way for the most part, I find that I am left alone with my thoughts, and my bowl, and also some half way decent smoke. That helps me to not only kill pain, but it takes the edge off of worry, and feeling scrambled. So with a couple of puffs I started to look at myself. This is what I found.
I find that I am human. Strange thing to say I know, but there it is. I have emotions that want to govern my responses to this life, but there are facts that will influence those responses.
I knew that this time would approach me sooner or later, and that I would have to deal with the reality of it. I feel sorta like that kid at camp who just arrived, and is all excited about spending two months there, but way in the back of his head he is already mourning that last day when camp closes for the time.
That is sorta what it felt like for me.
I am human, I have a soul, I also have a spark of divine fire in me that does not whine like a little girl. In fact I have always risen to the challenge all my life.
I have always known who I am, and I am a man of strength, and good character. I do believe in God, (please no offense intended towards anyone), I believe that there is a life after, and that Christ is the way.
My decisions have been made, and I wanted to share with all of you, my friends, just what those decisions are and why.
I have decided to go for the transplant, and to do all that I can to improve the quality of my life, though I am in charge of it. The doctors are there to try to assist me in my desire to continue to breath in and out.
I have 90 lbs to have to lose and even more would not look bad on me. I will stop smoking MJ since that is at least for now something that can mess up my getting a transplant. Man, I am going to hurt without that painkiller.
I can handle all that gets thrown at me, but I now feel that if I did just belly over and let myself croak, then it would be like pissing on my own life, and I worked hard to get where I am. I still want to fly the airplanes and helicopters, and to go scuba diving some more. I want to smoke with a bunch of half crazed friends like all of you guys, and I want to grow the best dank ever.
I am young at 53 and have a healthy lebido. I like to chase laughter, and even though I am married 24 years now, by God I can still throw the leg if you know what I mean.
I am aggressive, and gregarious. LOL the worst case scenario is that I don't make it, but if that be the case then at least I will go like a man and will certainly look good right ?
I used to say to everyone who ever asked me about my health, "As long as I wake up sucking air, then it is another good day" Well, I think that even one more day is worth it, if I can kiss my daughter, and my son. and have that chance to tell my wife I love her again, and maybe laugh a bit.
I asked myself, would I want to smoke with all of you guys if I had the chance ?, and the answer was pretty straight forward, "HELL YES", jeez, I don't have to be a brain surgeon to figure that one out, so there it is, I'm going to try to hang in there with you guys.
Thanks for all the well wishes, I guess I'm sure gonna need them as things get closer. I'm still going to be here, might seem to get scattered at times, but forgive me if you will, you can imagine that I'm going to be having a lot on my mind for awhile.
I need to go right now and burn one or two. How in blazes am I really going to be expected to give up smoking a hoober, it's like my life's blood.
I'm feeling all freaked out over this part of it. I hate to say it, but I will have to set a time to quit smokin in the next day or two. Dang !!!
Love ya all
smoke in peace
KingKahuuna
